Episode 26: Relationships part 1

Welcome to the Beauty of Better podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and fame.

Hey, mamas, we're super excited to actually start a new series with you on Beauty of Better.

We are gonna launch this new series starting today on relationships.

You know, we were just talking, and recently I was just asked, do you and your husband ever fight?

Do you yell at each other?

And I was asked that by multiple people, and I just thought like, man, we should just be talking about this more like, we're gonna go through things like, what does conflict look like?

What does communication in your marriage look like?

How do you protect time for each other and just time together?

And even things like chores and household responsibilities and gender dynamics and roles, and like, what does that look like?

Because again, like most things we talk about, there isn't a formula, there isn't a cookie cutter answer.

And I think that we've got four very different experiences to share with you just what's worked over the years and kind of what we're working on and learning in our own marriages.

And hopefully that can help you guys in your marriages and just get some tips from that.

So today we just thought before we're going to dive into any of those topics, we're going to just answer some basic questions about ourselves and our marriages just so that you can get to know us a little bit more as we go deeper into these topics.

So today we're going to say how we met our spouse, how long we've been married, how many kids we have, and then maybe just an interesting fact or dynamic about your marriage that's a little different or has caused you to work through some things together.

So answering those questions today just as an intro, I'm going to pass it off to Kelsey.

Awesome.

Hi, everyone.

So glad you're here for this episode.

I think we're all just really excited to talk about this topic.

So yeah, so I actually met my spouse in college, and we met in chemistry class, which people always know.

But I still remember we were, I was studying for a quiz and drawing all these electron orbital shapes on the board, and had just transferred into the class, and felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and I was already two weeks behind.

And that's actually the spot I met my husband.

He walked into the room that night, and we just kind of, he started, he was like, are you, you're stressing about this.

Like, let me help you.

And we just started studying together.

And that's like, you know, that's kind of how it all, it all turned into more after that.

So we met when I was a freshman in college, and we've actually, we just had our 12-year anniversary two days ago.

So, yeah, so we've been married for 12 years, and I was 23, and he was 25 when we got married.

And yeah, now I'm 35.

So it's gone, it's kind of wild to think about being married for 12 years to the same person.

And it's kind of like your relationship is a 12-year-old.

Yeah, so we've been married for 12 years.

We have three little boys under five.

And something interesting about our relationship is that we were raised from completely different backgrounds.

So my husband was raised by a single mom.

His parents got divorced when he was really young.

And I was raised in a setting where both my parents were together for the duration of my childhood, and they actually got divorced later in life.

So we have the commonality of we both have divorced parents, but the timing of that, and how that has affected just what our view of normal is, and how we have kind of merged, you know, what we think is good stuff that we want to keep from what we saw from our childhoods together has been a big journey, because it was so different.

And our personalities are fairly different as well.

So my husband is like definitely more the easygoing, laid back type, and I'm a little bit more high strung than he is.

So he balances me out pretty well.

And we both, we both are type A, but he still is just generally speaking, a little bit more calm, cool and collected than I can be at times, especially in crisis situations.

So yeah, I think God really, I can just see his hand all over our relationship over the past 12 years, and think that we've learned some really cool things about the topics that we're gonna talk about in the future.

So with that, I'm gonna pass it to Kristiana, and she's gonna tell us about her spouse and family and something unique about their relationship too.

Hey, yeah, Kelsey, I can definitely relate to a few of those things.

So my husband and I also met in college.

We met and knew who each other were freshman year and had some mutual friends, but we didn't start liking each other, develop any feelings till really our junior year when we were both placed on the same residence life staff and brother-sister floors by default.

His floor, my floor was his ceiling, and we had to do a lot of life together, working together.

We also happened to be the same major.

I started in as a freshman and he transferred, but we started by where we went at the same time.

We also were working another job on campus together.

And so our world was a lot around working together and serving our community, and also studying together.

So that was kind of what kicked it off.

And then we dated for about four years before we got married.

And then we've been married about 15 years now, anniversary coming up in a couple months.

But we kind of came from, you know, they kind of similar to Kelsey, different personalities.

So my husband doesn't like personality tests being put in a box.

But back when we had to take it as part of our jobs, I was at ESTJ and he was at INFJ.

So we had the J in common, but that was about it.

When we did a love language test, like we were completely reversed.

Our middle was the only thing that was the same.

My top was his bottom, his bottom was my top.

And then in terms of background, he was raised in his first language was Spanish, and kind of a lower income family.

His parents are still married, raised in kind of the Los Angeles area.

I was raised maybe more middle class in Washington, and my parents were married, but then got divorced when I was in my 20s.

And so between personality, culture, and just those type of things, we have a lot in common in terms of our interests, our careers, like have overlap.

I love prevention.

He likes rehabilitation.

Like, so we can definitely work really well together because our origins of our relationship was really like working based.

But we also can balance each other out in terms of he's like, okay, well, let's just have some fun.

It's okay if we, you know, he's more of the spender and I'm more of the saver, right?

Like, so we have to really work hard on communication to be able to bridge gaps of just kind of our family of origin and background and personality and just how God's created us differently.

And so in premarital counseling, we did a, you know, I'm talking a lot about assessments.

I like assessments, I like data.

He doesn't, but with that, one of our strengths was actually communication because we were, when we did a premarital assessment, because we did a lot of long distance when I was back and forth between Washington and California.

And so I think that helped set the foundation of needing to discuss things.

And we'll talk more about that in other episodes.

But yeah, a foundation of a lot of differences, but knowing that like how God uses us together as a couple looks really different than how he uses us individually.

So it's fun to see.

And I don't think I mentioned how many kids we have.

We have four, three daughters and a son.

So yeah.

Kathleen, you want to go ahead and jump in.

Yeah, no, I'm so excited for this series, honestly.

And we just hope as we're sharing our stories that mamas out there can just relate to different elements.

And as Kelsey and Christiana were saying, they had experience with parents being divorced.

And that's honestly part of my story as well, is my parents were married over 30 years and then decided to end their marriage.

And it's heartbreaking, really.

And to be honest, the reason I'm excited that we're gonna do this conversation is because there's so many, I think, people out there and couples who are struggling.

Like, there is a real attack, you know, whether you're a Christian or not a Christian, on the covenant of marriage.

And marriage is important to God's heart.

And so, you know, but knowing how to find freedom, how to find tips and tools for making your marriage stronger and healthier, like, that's really what our heart is behind these conversations.

Not that we have perfect marriages, but that we are willing to work towards doing the hard work.

You know, marriage takes, like, the hard work pressing and talking to God about, how can I make steps towards making this better?

And once again, our common thread of Beauty of Better, like little steps towards making this better, it doesn't have to be this overhaul overnight.

It's like, okay, God, would you lead me with myself?

Would you help lead me in bold confrontation with my spouse in working towards a healthier relationship?

So anyway, I just wanted to say that real quick, because there is hope in Jesus, and he wants to speak that into who's ever listening today.

So my husband and I, we actually met at a Bible college in Northern California.

So I had just graduated college.

I went to school in Northwest Iowa, and I was planning on to go to medical school.

But then my best friend from South Dakota, where I grew up, she called me up.

She's like, I'm going out to this Bible school in California.

And I wondered if you wanted to go out there with me.

And I kind of was planning on taking a year off anyway to kind of decide which route I wanted to go, whether medical school or physicians' assistant school.

So, and I always wanted to go to California.

I'd never gotten there.

So went out with her, and just a couple months in, this is a fun story.

So my best friend and I always prayed growing up, we'd have sleepover parties.

And I remember one night we prayed, we're like, and Jesus, help us to meet our husbands at the same time.

And that's literally exactly what happened.

Like, that's so good.

We literally met these two guys who were roommates.

One was from New Zealand, one was from Northern Ireland.

And the New Zealander guy instantly saw my best friend, he's like, that's my wife, I'm going to pursue her.

And so Dan and I, my husband, Daniel is his name, we were like tag alongs with these other guys.

And then we ended up liking each other.

And there's a longer story to our journey.

But we started liking each other.

And yeah, God kind of changed the course of my life.

We started dating, and Daniel did two years of this ministry school.

And I just found a job working.

And then we got married in 2010, over in Northern Ireland, where my husband was born and raised, and all of his family is over there.

So he's not American, he's fully Northern Irish.

And so we lived over in Northern Ireland for nearly 10 years.

And God changed the course of direction of my life with that move.

And I didn't end up pursuing medical school.

I kind of felt like God started leading me toward nutrition.

And actually, in Northern Ireland, that was part of my story, is that all the foods I grew up on in Midwest America weren't available in Northern Ireland.

I remember having this revelation over eggnog.

I was like, can you even make eggnog from scratch?

And of course, you can.

Everything that's convenient can be made from scratch and in a healthier way.

So it's so funny just learning all those lessons.

But having an international marriage, it's definitely brought its challenges.

Even though they're both English-speaking nations, there's definitely cultural things that are very, very different.

And I fully was baptized into the culture by living there, and just being submersed into every aspect of it.

And of course, there was a honeymoon period where I was like, I'm an American in Ireland.

And that's just the past.

But then some of the realities of the differences of culture sank in a little bit.

And my husband and I have really had to work through a lot of those, and I'll get into those more in future episodes of the nitty-gritty things.

But I guess I jumped forward to the interesting fact about our relationship before saying, so we're now 15 years married this year, which is crazy, like you said, Kelsey time flies, and I don't feel like it's been that long.

I'm like, was I 10 when I got married?

I'm like, 24, I just had my 39th birthday.

So, but yeah, so we have three biological kids, and then we have a foster son that we're hopefully in the process of adopting.

But so yeah, that's where we're at, and I'm looking forward to just sharing a little bit more about our journey and that.

So, Danielle, if you want to share now.

Yeah, of course.

That's so fun.

I love hearing about everybody's stories, and I feel like we always learn something new from each other.

And even through our podcast, I feel like I get tips from you guys all the time.

So I just love having these conversations.

So my husband and I are from two different states, not two different countries, but sometimes it feels like it.

We actually met in Mexico on a mission trip.

And, you know, I was really set on like, I'm going to college, then I'm going to move to another country, and I'm going to like be with all these people and these orphans.

And like, that was my dream.

And I was like, peace out, whoever doesn't want that.

Kind of harsh, but like I was really driven.

And then I was on this trip in Mexico.

And honestly, you guys, like I was probably at one of my lowest points, like just like no makeup.

I had had like a tragedy happen, like the day before I left.

And like, I was like sad about that, and just like a mess.

And that was when I met Joey.

And so it just seems so fitting in like his heart for the nations and for kids, and just seeing him come alive in that.

So we met in Mexico, we were in this big group at this conference, hundreds and hundreds of people.

And then from there, we all got dispersed to different parts of Mexico, and we were dispersed to the same area.

And then from there, like the same group of 50 down to the same group of 10.

And then we were like serving together the whole time we were there.

So just got to know each other through that.

So that's how we met.

We've now been married for, this is, this summer's going to be 20 years for us.

Just crazy.

Yay.

Feels so strange to say that.

I felt like 18 felt weird, because it was like, oh, our marriage is in adults.

But now 20 is like, oh, I feel old.

But also, like, I feel like I love him more today than the day we got married.

And I just feel like that's the beauty of marriage.

And when you work together, and work through things, and learn from each other, that it really is such a beautiful gift.

And just, I feel so thankful for that.

We have three boys.

So I always say this, but a wild house, 16, 12, and 9.

And an interesting fact or dynamic about our marriage.

You know, I mentioned we came from two different states, so we just had very different upbringings.

I grew up with two parents who worked, and like they shared the roles around the house, and we're very involved in what we did because we had a small family.

It was just my brother and I.

But my husband comes from a huge family in ministry.

And so like his dad was a pastor, his mom stayed home and helped with the church too, but they had six kids.

So it was just like loud and fun all the time.

And so it was just interesting when we first got married, because on top of having like a large, loud family and a quiet, small family, my husband and I have very opposite personalities.

I'm first born, he's last born.

Like literally on the personality test, we're completely opposite, like on every aspect of how you could be opposite.

So that's been interesting.

But I also feel like it's forced us to learn more about communication and learn like, oh, I speak this way because that's how I process, but you process differently.

So I need to say it in a different way, almost like learning a new language, right?

And I feel like I've even seen that come out with our kids, like seeing different personality aspects where it's like, oh, I can talk to this kid better because we speak the same language, and you can talk to this kid better because you speak the same language.

So I feel like having to walk through that, and even him growing up in a ministry family, I'm sure we're going to get into this in gender roles.

Like, when we first got married, he just assumed that I would be a stay at home mom.

And then I kept going to college for 12 years and got my doctorate and work a lot.

Multiple jobs.

So even things like that have been different to work through just together and just reshaping our worldview together and learning about relationships and, again, how we communicate, but also what roles are.

And I think it's just going to be a really, really fun series to just see where we go with this and see what we've learned over the years and what we're still learning and what we're still processing and, as Kathleen said, just like still getting better on.

So, yeah.

Does anybody else want to share like their heart behind this series and like where we're heading?

I know Kathleen, you shared some, but just your hopes for the series?

I can share a little bit.

I think one of the most powerful things that we can show our kids is a marriage that honors God and two people who truly love each other, despite the differences in backgrounds and personality types and all these things.

And I think the devil just loves to tear down Christian marriages because he knows it affects so many pieces of so many people.

And so I think there's a lot, we could probably all speak to different times where we felt like spiritual warfare in our own marriage.

And I think that just to encourage any moms out there listening that just the power of prayer and I think even praying out loud with your spouse is something that is so powerful and so humbling.

And I think as we get into a lot of these other topics and things related to relationships that hopefully a common thread will be like praying together draws you near to each other and draws you near to God and can humble you, keep you humble before each other and in service to each other and in service to the Lord.

So that's just something that I've been, that's just God's really put on my heart about this series, and I'm just really excited to learn from everyone here and also hopefully encourage you listening out there.

And yeah, I think we're just all excited to be here and share how God's worked in our lives.

And, you know, it's messy, and it's, yes, we all fight, and that's part of being married, but learning how to do that and learning constructive ways to kind of do some of these things is what we're going to get into next time.

But yeah, does anybody else want to share?

Just adding to what you're saying, I think, yeah, foundation of being rooted in Christ and having that be like our rock as we navigate different seasons of marriage.

I think that's one thing that has been a discussion my husband and I recently is just like, wow, the baby season was hard, and that was different.

And we had to navigate like becoming a mom and becoming a dad and then buying a home.

Like, how do we navigate that?

So I think part of the discussions that will be coming to is how we've navigated like mountains and valleys even.

And it hasn't been seamless, right?

And so I think some of it will be leaning on resources maybe through examples of good and bad examples that we've witnessed, but also it could even be other resources that we've had within the church, or either books or like things that we know in science that are true of flourishing relationships.

And so I think we are hoping that the series will tie multiple pieces together, because I know connection points and different dynamics and different families, you might grab on to a personal experience or you might grab on to science more.

So just kind of trying to have multiple perspectives and realizing, as we share, some of these things, we're still in process.

And we recognize that this is something that we want to be transparent.

We all value a bit of transparency here of like, yeah, this is our marriage, but like God's helped us through this and this is how it turned out.

But it was hard here and we disagreed here, but we had to take a lot of time before we could finalize our decision because we were committed to working through my decision.

So just kind of keeping that in mind as we go forward, just the beauty in the different seasons, just as there was thunder and lightning the other day, and trying to explain the beauty of those seasons, being in living in California.

Like, you know, it's not always sunny, but like sometimes we get to enjoy the thunder lightning because that's just a different season.

And there's challenges that come along with that, but there's also beauty.

Yeah.

And I feel like I just wanted to add, you know, God says that he builds upon the generations.

And so I think that, you know, we can look at what maybe didn't work for the previous generation as far as marriage, and we can have a discussion around that, of like, okay, how do you step into the more without, you know, without just being angry at the past generation.

It's like, okay, you honor them for what they did do.

You know, I honor my parents, that they introduced me to Jesus.

Like, and I tell them that, you know, and like, they feel guilt sometimes over the divorce situation.

But it's like realizing that you honor the previous generation, but then you take that and, you know, move forward into health and take steps towards being better for the future in your marriage and your relationship.

So I think that's just, yeah, like, echoing what we're all saying here.

So we're just all excited for this series.

Yeah.

And I just think there's something special, which we'll probably get into in multiple episodes, just about marriage, where it's like, you can be an incredible person on your own, and your spouse can be an incredible person on their own.

But together, there's something special and unique that you can accomplish.

And I just feel like that's what we're going to dive into.

It's like, how do we contend for that?

How do we work towards that?

How are we intentional with that?

So, mamas, we just are excited for this new series with you.

And we just pray that this speaks life over you and your marriage and the generations, and that through these episodes, you can just find one small step to become a little better together.

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