Episode 27: Relationships part 2 (Communication)

Welcome to the Beauty of Better Podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and fame.

Hey, mamas, you know, we're super excited today to continue our relationship series.

And we just thought we'd go through our communication styles and really look at how do we communicate, how do our spouses communicate.

And, you know, we've all been married for a number of years.

So how did we learn how to talk to each other?

Sometimes it's like a foreign language, really, especially if you and your spouse are opposite.

And so, you know, this is deeply tied to our health outcomes.

When your marriage is healthy and strong, usually you can work together on things like health and wellness.

And when it's not and it's stressful, it can really take a toll on your health.

And so that's why we're diving into this today.

From a health perspective, not from a counseling perspective, none of us are psychologists, but just really looking at what have we learned over the years and how can it help promote health for all of us.

So we're going to just jump into this today, and I don't know who wants to jump in first and maybe just explain your communication style, your spouse's communication style, and really how do you navigate that and just open this up for discussion.

I'll go ahead and jump in.

So my husband and I, we've been married 15 years in August.

And yeah, it's definitely been a journey as marriage is.

And for us, definitely, we both grew up, well, my husband's from Northern Ireland.

So we have a little cultural difference there too.

There's just things there culturally that, ways of dealing with conflict and stuff that are just different.

So we've really had to learn because there's sometimes ways that I do things as an American that my husband's like, what?

Why would you do that?

So yeah, it's like you talked about, Danielle, sometimes it's just learning a whole new language.

And I think definitely my husband and I, when we were just dating, we had this kind of motto that we were going to be learners for life.

And I think you definitely have to have that posture when it comes to communication with your spouse, like coming with an open mind, open ears, like just how Jesus always said, let those who have eyes see and those have ears here.

It's like we have to come with that approach of like, okay, I'm here to learn what my spouse is saying and learning to die to yourself and to be patient.

And so for us, like I kind of grew up in a home, there was kind of a lot of tension in my parents' relationship.

And so sometimes like confrontation wasn't always modeled the healthiest, and often anger was used to control environments.

And so honestly, for me, sometimes I really struggled when it came to confrontation and talking through important things.

And so for my husband, I really like laying a foundation of trust was really core to us, like learning how to communicate better.

And so, you know, that really is something that, you know, if you know that in your relationship, like there isn't this element of trust, it's like, you know, you have to kind of come and say, hey, I really need help in trusting you.

And can we have, can we work on our communication so that there feels like there is that trust there?

And so for my husband and I, it's been a journey of that, of having to just like, you know, sometimes I've just been so timid to like come up and confront things because of, you know, my history and background.

And we all have our own stories.

We all have our own families that, you know, that create our normal of communication style.

So when you're marrying that normal to a new normal, I can just be like, so intense.

So I guess, yeah, so for my husband and I, it really has just been a matter of building that trust over time.

And when that trust is broken, maybe in the way a person responded, that didn't feel like, okay, I didn't feel like you really respected my voice in that moment.

Then it's like having to come back to the table and just say, okay, how can we fix this?

And, you know, also taking intentional times, like, you know, we have four kids, and one of our children is a foster child, and it's been a really intense past season of transition.

So for us, we've had to be really intentional in finding times to connect and communicate.

So sometimes that's just intentionally deciding, like, we're exhausted at the end of the day, you finally get them to bed, it's like nine at night, and you're like, I just want to watch TV because I'm so tired, I can't even think.

But we've had to really be intentional, and sometimes, like, just sitting at the kitchen table, and just like, okay, we actually are just gonna sit over a cup of tea, and like, actually talk things through.

And you really do have to pick that intentionality because it won't just happen.

And so that's something that's really helped us to connect, especially in those seasons that are really tiring and busy and exhausting.

And I know, Danielle, you go on walks with your husband regularly, and I'm just inspired by that, too.

I think that's awesome, especially if your kids are older and can stay at home on their own.

Like, that's a really good connection time, but I'll open it up if anyone else wants to share some tips.

I was just going to say, I realized that you said lifelong learners, and I think you said that was part of your family values, right?

So I love how that's just, like, woven into who you guys are, and really from the beginning.

And I just think that's so great.

Thanks.

I can jump in next since I'm already talking.

I just think that, and I think, Christiana, of you as well, with, like, learning a new language, like, you actually had to learn a new language to talk to your husband, plus a communication one.

And Kathleen, with, like, a husband from another country, like, learning a new culture is a new language.

So my husband and I are both from the US, but we are very opposite in everything, like, everything, like, how we process information.

And I think for us, it was really, like, we literally had to look at it, like, learning a new language, and that a new language isn't bad.

And just understanding, like, I'm more direct, and I like to get to the point, and my husband is, like, softer, and, yeah, feels more.

And so, like, just even learning that, like, when I approach him about things, like, if it's a hard topic, if I'm too direct, like, he's not going to hear that, and he's not going to hear it very well, even though that's how I would want to hear it.

And the other way around, like, if he's trying to tell me something hard, and it's, like, sugar-coated, I'm like, no, just get to the point and tell me how it is.

So I think, like, learning a new language like that, and even, like, this week, I was realizing we were having a conversation, and, you know, precision is really important to me in my words and in my language, but I know not everybody thinks that way.

And so we were talking about a program that we're starting, and I was using the word internship, and then to him, internship and mentorship were interchangeable.

And I was like, oh no, those aren't the same thing.

And so we kept saying mentorship.

I'm like, no, we're not talking about the same thing.

And so it was like, even though it wasn't like a deep marriage conversation, it was like a pause moment of, we're trying to talk about the same thing, but we're using different language, and really we're talking about two different things.

And so how do we define what we're talking about?

And so sometimes I think in marriage, it just is like pause, kind of like what you said, Kathleen, of how do you just pause even intentionally on those busy days and get on the same page, and just really define.

I think intentional definition is so important, of what are we really talking about, and how do we make sure that we're both understanding?

And I think something for me that has helped me a lot in marriage is just really believing the best.

Going back to my spouse isn't trying to hurt me, my spouse isn't trying to say a different word on purpose, right?

It's just like my spouse really has my best interest, and I should have his best interest.

And so if we're both coming to the table with hearts for each other to spur each other on, I feel like that breaks down a lot of walls as well, just like when we do have to have harder conversations, just always believing the best, and then trying to understand and define what our words really mean.

I feel like that's just been key for us.

Yeah, like you're on the same team, right?

My husband will always say that to each other, especially in moments where it's, I don't know, it's just a good reminder, if you're in a tense moment, and the kids are losing it, and one of you's starting to lose it, you're like, hang on, we're on the same team, I'm on your side, what do you need, how can I help?

Yeah.

And that's something that's really helped us recently.

But something I was thinking about, I liked what you said, Danielle, about giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and just always assuming the best, especially if that's not something that you naturally do, just working on assuming the best of them, like you love them, they love you, you're on the same team, and just sometimes verbally saying that can be helpful.

Something that's been helpful for us, we actually just had a really big season of transition and moved our family five across the country to the Midwest.

So there was plenty of stressful moments throughout that process, and even as we were settling in here, there's moments where we're trying to figure out, you know, how we want to organize things and how we want to create new systems in a new space.

And I think just not assuming things, like not assuming that they, you know, really anything, like don't assume, just ask the question.

And then when you ask them a question, really just listen to what they say and try to seek to understand what they're saying.

And even if you disagree with what they're saying, still try to like ask questions to deeply understand all the details of it, because it's okay if you disagree, but if you don't understand, then you really don't know where they're coming from.

And I think that's something that's really helped us.

And I know it might be easy to sit here and listen to this podcast and think, oh, you know, these ladies have it all together.

They've got these great tips and all this stuff.

But I think it's, I mean, it's easier to sit here and say it.

And sometimes in the moment, it turns out being a little bit messier than it sounds when you're just explaining it.

But that's something that I always try to go back to, and I do it imperfectly, but I try to go back to really try to understand what he's saying.

And my husband's more of an internal processor.

So he has to like think about things internally before he talks to me about them.

And I process verbally, so I have to do that.

But that's something that is kind of kind of helpful for us.

We can totally relate to that internal and external processor thing.

My husband and I had to discuss to Steven, okay, so if I'm verbally processing with you, that doesn't mean it's a final decision, right?

And if he's saying something, he's viewing it as like, no, this is exactly what I want, and I've fully processed it.

So we've had to navigate that.

And then I also love what Kelsey was saying about the assumptions, because that's also something we've been navigating.

We've been in our, we're in our seventh Airbnb, where there's some repairs having at our house.

So we're having to move about every week right now.

And so we're setting up home and tearing down home on a weekly basis.

And so we've kind of come up with this mantra that assumptions lead to arguments.

So we just are trying to avoid assumptions and just kind of being like, okay, let me process now.

I'm going to verbally process, this isn't a decision.

But another thing that we've been doing since we were engaged is something called the five A's.

And I don't know if I've talked about this in another episode.

But this is something that we learned in our premarital stuff that normally we do it best actually not in person, because I think there's too much distractions with the kids in the mornings.

But typically, it's either when we're dating, it was in the evening.

But since we've been married, it's in the morning.

And we'll typically call each other on the way to work.

And it's called the five A's.

So the first one is ask.

So let's say, yeah, so let's...

I'm normally doing it right now while he's driving to work.

So I'm trying to think through.

So the first one is like saying something that you're pretty much grateful for.

It's like, thank you so much for taking out the trash.

Like, it was overflowing, right?

So that's the first appreciation.

And then the next one is you ask, is there anything I did to hurt, frustrate, or irritate you?

So that kind of puts to bed those little tiny things that could fester if you let it.

And then you ask the question, is there anything you want me to do today, tomorrow, or this week?

And it can just be one thing.

So it's intended to be a five-minute activity.

And then the other one is a met.

And so you say, is there anything I can pray for you for?

And then the last one's affection, right?

So typically, the affection happens before we leave for work.

And give them a kiss on the cheek, but as you go on out the door, and then we call and we do our other four.

But that's helped a lot just setting the tone for the day, for just trying to deal with things that are maybe not communicated in the hustle and bustle.

And it's something we've been doing for a while.

Yeah, so I got married back in 2008, so it's been a bit.

But we set that foundation because we had a long distance relationship for a while.

And so we had to learn how to communicate without having nonverbal communication.

It was just all our words, because that's another kind of difference between him and I is that he uses some nonverbal communication when we're replying to something.

So I have to look if his lips are pointing over there, or if it's a head nod or a shrug.

And so we're just like, when I ask a question, I'll be physically looking at him, and I might get a nonverbal or I might get a verbal communication.

And just being aware of just our styles can help in taking those steps forward, and making decisions, and having clarity as we just process how to navigate life together.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

I'm just wondering, because I know that you both are bilingual, and I know that you speak Spanish in the house and English in the house.

And so how is that with communication?

Because, you know, there's a lot of like slang terms, or just like words that you would use, that maybe means something else.

And how is that like in your communication?

And like, do you process all in English?

Do you process in Spanish?

Do you like, I don't know, I just want to know like, how it all works.

No, that's a great question.

So as just a little background, languages was my most difficult topic.

And I'm open about that when I was learning in school.

And so when I met my husband, I was like, you know what, his first language was Spanish.

If I really want to get to know this man and like, love him deeply and know his family and know like, I need to learn this language.

And so we lived with my in-laws for about three years, sharing a kitchen, sharing a bathroom.

So that really forced me to like, know it in a deep way.

But often, my husband, I, since he's super strong in both, I can only think in one language at a time.

He can think in two.

So if we're having a big conversation about important stuff, it's in English, right?

If we're trying to have a conversation, our kids...

Well, some of our kids are better at Spanish than others.

We would maybe communicate in Spanish, just if we're like trying to like, oh, are we gonna do popsicles today?

Or are you taking this one?

Or am I taking that one?

Something that we just need us to decide, not like the whole A team, as we call ourselves.

So a lot of the big decisions is English.

But then, I mean, Spanish and English and cultural backgrounds leads to a whole other thing, because we have different families of origin.

But yeah, so it just kind of depends on the scenario.

And then, yeah, because he's much more well-versed in Spanish, and my conjugation can be okay, and sometimes it's not great.

But so big decisions, English, and then some of the smaller stuff might be Spanish.

I just love those five A's that you shared, and I think we'll probably post those maybe on our social media just for moms, because having these little, kind of like an outline of questions is just so helpful.

When you feel overwhelmed, and you're carrying all the things as parents, and just having targeted questions to ask, I think that's so helpful.

And every single one of those areas, I feel like kind of covers the basis of like everything, like even that starting off with gratitude, like how much does that just take people's walls down when they feel appreciated and seen?

And I think that's oftentimes a breakdown in marriage communication, is where people are, you know, you're doing all the things for your kids, and you're not feeling appreciated or seen.

So I think that's an amazing kind of setup for to start your day.

And I just wanted to share, I think I had talked at least to you ladies about just, you know, you hear that verse about being equally yoked, you know, to your spouse.

And what that verse actually referred to is back, you know, in ancient times of how, like they would yoke two oxen together.

And you would want them to be like equal in strength so that they would pull at the same rate.

Because if one was like stronger than the other, it would make it unequal and it would make it just awkward.

And hard for the other oxen.

And so I just think that's ultimately what communication can do.

It strengthens both of you.

And like we were talking about, being on the same page and being for each other and not against each other, looking for the best in each other, and moving forward together.

And I think that that's a great tip, Christiana, those five questions that we can ask to help make sure that we're both being strengthened, we're both being heard.

And that is ultimately our heart, is that we want mamas out there to find ways that they can strengthen their relationship, so that ultimately comes back to our health.

And so I just love our conversation today and that.

But did anybody want to share anything else?

I would just say if you do use 5As, try to keep it brief and try to keep it one thing, right?

So when you're grateful, be grateful for one thing.

When you're asking, ask for one thing that can keep it to that five minutes.

So one of the rules of 5As is that you don't, like if you have a major decision and a conflict, like that is not, like it's not fair game.

Because part of it too, oh, I forgot this part, is that when you actually say, you know what really kind of bothered me when you forgot to do this task, you're supposed to apologize.

That's an A, right?

So it can't be like, well, I think our kids need to do this, and so we're going on this vacation, or doing this for schooling.

And so I just am asked, you know, like, you know, I just need you to be okay with this.

And like, you have to be like, yep, fine.

Like, that's, it can't be used in that way at all.

So that's like, there's just kind of some boundaries and protections.

So that's like a five minute thing, but you're having to be specific too.

Yeah.

So just, I feel like that's important to kind of set the groundwork on.

That's so good.

And it's kind of a way of, I mean, using this verse in a different context, but keeping the foxes out of the vineyard.

How do we keep these foxes out of the vineyards of our relationships?

And pinning things quickly and apologizing, getting back on the same page, that's definitely a way that we can do that.

But thank you for sharing that, Kristi, on that.

I feel like that's so helpful, and I just feel like we've all shared a little gold nugget of something, like being on the same team, really trusting each other, believing the best, setting aside intentional time, whether it's walking or sitting around the table.

We just encourage you, mamas, to just find a space, even if it's just five minutes, to just sit down with your spouse and connect.

And then we'll post more this week, just about the five A's and defining those.

And hopefully you can start processing that and learning how to practice the five A's.

I know I'm going to try that this week, too.

So mamas, we hope you were encouraged by this, and we're looking forward to diving deeper into relationships later this month.

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