Episode 28: Relationships part 3 (Gender Roles)

Welcome to the Beauty of Better Podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and faith.

Hey, mamas, welcome back to the Beauty of Better Podcast.

We're gonna be continuing our relationship series today, and we're gonna be discussing how gender roles show up in the home.

As Christian moms, there are some, I think, stereotypes on what it should look like for women and men and their roles in the home.

And as working moms, we just want to come alongside you and encourage you that it can look different, it can be outside the box.

So today, we're just gonna be sharing some stories from our own homes and how we tend to split up the load.

So how we share the load at home and what that looks like, and yeah, just kind of sharing our own personal stories with that.

So I will go ahead and start and just share something that we, something that my husband and I have done for a while now.

But something that we do at home is that my husband typically always handles breakfast.

Like he is always the one who gets up with the bigger kids, I've got three boys that are four and a half, two and a half, and seven months old.

So right now, in this season that we're in, I kind of handle the baby stuff, and he handles the stuff with the bigger kids.

So a lot of the times, that means if they wake up before the baby, he's going to let me sleep in, and he'll get up with them and then kind of make them breakfast, get the day going.

And then if I get a little bit of extra sleep because the baby sleeps in a little bit longer, then the baby will get up, and then I'll get up.

And that's just something that we've kind of done with every kiddo that we've had.

So it's kind of shifted as we've added more children to our family.

But in this season, that's something that really helps me right now, is that he's just kind of taking that piece with the bigger boys and just kind of handling like what they're eating for that first meal.

And then depending on who's home at lunchtime, whether it's me or him, I'll take that and then dinner is kind of shared.

So I tend to be the one that does more of the grocery order, shopping, meal planning, but we kind of take turns cooking dinner.

And I think that's just a big one.

Traditionally, I think, you know, if the woman is at home, it's just kind of assumed that she's going to be doing all the cooking and all the cleaning and all of the dishes and all of that stuff.

But we just kind of tend to split that up.

And I feel like that really helps us as a couple and us as a family share that piece.

And it also shows our boys like, hey, dad can cook too, mom can cook too.

It doesn't just have to be like one of us doing that whole thing, because if you think about it, a lot of your day really revolves around food.

And especially with, I feel like, Danielle, you can probably echo this, but as boys get bigger, I'm just imagining how many eggs we're going to be eating for breakfast when they're in high school, because right now, we like almost go through a dozen eggs every morning right now.

So it'll be interesting to see that as they get older.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

I feel like feeding boys is crazy, like as they age and just eat more and more.

And then when they have friends over and it's like, oh my gosh, I feel like I'm cooking all the time.

I always have to have food ready at my house.

But I'll jump in next.

I think, you know, when we first got married, my husband came from a family of like pastors and worship leaders, and the role was that the mom either worked in kids church or stayed home.

And so he kind of thought like, oh, that's what Danielle will do.

And I was like, oh, actually, I'm gonna go to school for 12 years and become a researcher and a professor.

Crazy.

And work.

And I worked all through that as well.

And so I think that was a shift just in our marriage to learn like, oh, it can look different, and it doesn't necessarily look like what you've seen, but it's okay.

I, on the other hand, grew up with both of my parents working and kind of modeling, Kelsey, what you just said, like they both cooked dinner, they both shared roles.

So I felt like I saw that growing up.

So that wasn't out of the norm for me.

But I think currently in this season, I tend to take on more of the roles of like the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking.

Although my husband will grill if we're grilling, he has that role in the grill master.

But then if I cook, he does all the cleanup.

So like he'll clean after and do all the dishes.

And yeah, just help with that because it's too much to take on the meal prep, the meal planning, the cooking, and then all the cleaning after, because that's all I would do.

And I think maybe something else that we do that's maybe non-traditional is my husband does the laundry.

I rarely do laundry.

It's definitely not my favorite thing to do.

And it's just become more of our routine.

And again, I think sharing those household chores that just like have to be done when we're both working full-time, and actually multiple jobs, multiple businesses, right?

So it's just like tag-teaming those things where it's like, okay, he's doing laundry, I'll jump in if I need to, but I'll do all the food and the cooking and the prepping and the scheduling and the lunches.

So it really is just like tag-teaming.

I feel like you have to be a team and you have to work together on those things.

Or how else do you get to both work and support each other in that?

And Kelsey, I love how you said your husband helps with the boys, because I feel like that's something too, or like if I need to work out, or something like that, it's like I can tag him in and he'll like take the boys to the park, or yeah, if it's not during a time where everyone's sleeping.

So yeah, tag-team.

I can relate to what you guys are saying too.

I think knowing how to do the other person's roles, to give someone either a break or to just kind of balance out the week, depending on work demands or kid demands is kind of something that's ebbed and flowed through those relationships.

My husband and I both came from stay at home mom families and have that modeled for generations.

So it was a big shift even for our families to have both of us working.

And then in COVID, God put on our heart to home school our kids, which was a huge shock to my husband and I, but has been a huge blessing.

So then we added that into the mix.

But a few things that he and I do is recently, he's taken over laundry, which has been such a gift, but also a bit of learning.

He also manages extracurriculars if it's tied to sports.

So a lot of times there's like, you know, and I'll cheer my kids on, but I'm not typically the mom who's the soccer mom, who's like making all the snacks and planning all the, like that's just not my, planning events is not necessarily my gift.

And so just kind of knowing my lane of like, I'm competitive and I will root them on on the sidelines, but Ellis can manage like signing them up for the things.

And if there needs to be a carpool option, like he's handling that piece.

But another thing that he's gifted in that I don't necessarily have that kind of ties into that planning piece.

Well, I can plan events.

I'm just the creative element, I guess.

He is just so astoundingly gifted at whether it's drawing or just his perspective on things.

So when the kids have a giant project that require either some level of construction or creativity, I will handle the facts.

I will handle like, let's make sure that the eyes are dotted, the T's are crossed, that you have a bibliography.

I will get deep into grammar and all of that structure because that's kind of my world a bit with my profession.

So I feel very comfortable there, very uncomfortable building a model of a mission out of sugar cubes.

I just squirm.

So that is his strength, not mine.

And so being able to embrace that and be like, hey, God has gifted you in this, it will be more efficient if you just run with this and let go of any element of me trying to manage that and just let him and our child bond over that and do that.

That's something that we've done.

And I think early on in our marriage, I always tell people zero to one was our hardest transition with kids.

We have four, but zero to one was a game changer.

It rocked us because we are very much in our professional realms.

And I think I was working three or four jobs at that time.

And so we would trade off days of who would watch our kids.

So I was trying to focus right after postpartum, like six to eight weeks after she was born, going back to work.

And so I was working, I think either Monday, Wednesday, he was working Tuesday, Thursday.

So he would have to take our daughter to, he was still in grad school at the time, take her with him to a grad school meeting with the professor, you know, remember the diaper bag, remember all that stuff, like it was 100% on him.

So I think that helped us be able to tag in and tag out with parenting roles, as well as valuing one another's work.

Yeah.

I love that so much.

Yeah, I think the reason we wanted to do this relationship series is just realizing in the home, and especially with our spouses, communication is so key.

And I just think of like Brenny Brown, like clarity is kind.

We often assume so much without just asking, like that's something that started more and more with, we have four kids in our home, and kids, they'll be fighting with each other.

And it's just like, okay, just ask before you assume that someone did something to hurt you.

And the same with our spouses, it's so important that we have these lines of communication open, because it's so easy to just, especially as women, I feel like we tend to take all the things on us and just plow through sometimes.

And because oftentimes, culture communicates that to us too.

It's just like, to be a strong woman means just to take on more, and you have to do all the things.

And it's like, you know what?

We have to do what God calls us to.

And I just think there's tension in our, you know, there's tension, well, especially in America, but I've lived in other countries, and that same-gender tension exists, of like, you know, expectations, and like, who's expected to do what.

But you know, what we're expected to do is follow the voice of the Lord.

So if we have guilt, whether we're, you know, a stay-at-home mom and feeling guilt, that's like, oh, I'm not contributing financially, or I want to contribute financially.

Or if we have guilt as a working mom, because we're like, oh, I don't, you know, make all my kids' meals from scratch or homeschool my kids.

You know, it's like, God didn't design us to live in this guilt.

He designed us to follow his voice.

So whatever we're called to as a woman, as a mom, like, you know, we live for an audience of one.

So I just wanted to speak that out there for any moms listening, whether you are a stay-at-home mom, that's amazing.

Like, my mom was called to that, and she always wanted to be a mom.

I loved having a stay-at-home mom, but I have felt something different on my heart.

And I haven't had a traditional career, in a sense, but I've pioneered different businesses.

And for me, like, I needed that.

And God knows I needed that because He put that on me.

And so for each of you ladies, too, like, God's put you in the careers He has you in because He's given you the mind that you have.

He's given you the abilities because He wants His kingdom realm brought into these spaces.

And so I just, I wanted to speak that out just for any moms listening.

Just know that we answer to the voice of the Lord.

And if you're carrying guilt on something, just I want to encourage you just to pray about that this week.

Just like, Lord, would you help me not to carry this guilt?

Would you give me your yoke that is easy and your burden that is light and show me your vision for our family, how we can get better at communicating, maybe where cultural norms have taken over and crept in there and caused that guilt.

And just really just bring, you know, God will bring his freedom in that.

So maybe I got a bit of a tangent there, but I just wanted to kind of just share that as we discuss these gender roles, you know.

And I guess I'll share personally, so my husband, he's from Northern Ireland, and he's one of seven.

His mom's like probably the most, the best, well, we say, Becky Homecky.

I don't know.

She's like, she's so amazing at like home making and doing all of that.

And so, you know, he is from a very traditional background, same with me.

And so, you know, stepping into new territory, him learning, he is really good at doing the laundry, like we had discussed some of you with your husbands.

And he actually, we've gotten a lot better at communicating, okay, this is what I need, because sometimes I naturally just start doing the traditional female roles, because there's been seasons when I am stay at home, but then there's seasons when I'm working.

And so, but then it's easy to get resentful if you don't communicate, because you're taking on all these things and you're like, okay, wait a second, I'm doing all the laundry, I was cleaning and this, and, you know, and trying to get your other needs met, going to the gym, all of that.

And if you don't communicate, you can't just assume that your husband knows that you need that.

And so, something we've really had to work on.

And my husband, when I've come to him and said, you know, I'm really burnt out on this, then he has more than willing been able to be like, okay, I'll learn how to do it, and let's do it.

And he's actually really good at stacking the dishwasher.

He's an engineer by trade.

So he gets annoyed when I just throw it in, because I've done it three times already that day, and I'm like, I'm over it.

And so he's like, he's like, okay, why don't I take over doing, you know, the dishes when I can, so just to help you out.

And I'm like, thank you.

You're the engineer.

Do it in your little Swiss engineer way.

But, you know, so we've really had to, I've had to learn how to ask for help more and spread those rules a little bit more evenly.

And well, and we talked about the mental load, you know, and now we have a foster son, we're in the process of adopting him, but we've had him for five months now.

And that has been a very big mental load.

And one way that we have worked that out is he, our foster son, really needs his own space.

It wasn't working, me picking him up after school, him being around all of our three other little kids, and it was just, it was chaos, to be honest, every day.

So my husband picks him up, he takes him back to work, thankfully, it's a flexible job.

And so he keeps him for two hours before coming home from work.

And so that was me just communicating, like, something needs to change, we need to do something different, because this isn't working.

And so that is what we need to do.

When we realize that something isn't working in our homes, for the general good of everyone, there needs to be a communication hat to say, hey, how can we work together?

And we had talked in our last episode about assuming the best from your partner, instead of just being like holding onto that resentment or a grudge, and it's like you have to come forth and say, hey, we're a team here, how can we work forward in this issue that we're having in our family?

And I've been talking so long.

Anybody have anything they want to share on that?

I actually think you spoke to this last week, Kathleen, and you mentioned something about being equally yoked and how it doesn't mean just like the balance, it means like you're moving together.

And I feel like that's what you're speaking to, right?

Where it's like you have to be in communication and we have so many episodes to talk about that too, right?

Like the intentionality of making time to communicate.

And as you were talking, I was even thinking like, you know, our evening walks, like that's where we like pause and talk about the next day.

And it's like, season shift so much.

And I think it happens for all four of us, right?

Where it's like, my heart would love a pattern that's the same all year.

I've never had that in my life.

And it's like even month to month changes a lot.

And so it's like pausing and saying like, hey, I've got super hard meetings tomorrow, I need you to pick up the kids, or this is what the week looks like, these are the days I can do drop offs, or I need you to do drop offs or pick ups or vice versa.

Or, and yeah, I think it all goes back to communication and just, I think having a shared calendar helps too.

I tend to be the more organized one, so I throw everything on the calendar.

But I think that that helps to just like set alarms and set alerts where it's like, oh, I've got to get the boys at this time today or this boy at this time.

But creating that intentional space where you can actually communicate is so key, which I think we talked about last time too.

Yeah, I love that.

I always think of it like trying on clothes, right?

Like you try it on, and if it fits, you can keep it.

And if it doesn't fit, then we're going to take it off and put on something else.

It's just the same thing with attacking your agenda together as a couple.

Like, let's try this on together, we'll see if this system fits, we'll see if this rhythm works, and if it doesn't, we'll just try something else.

And I really resonate with what you said, Danielle, like wishing that it would just be a little bit constant, and it just feels like that is just not how it is.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can really just resonate with that.

We just moved across the country, and I was working full time as a professor, and I'm not doing that anymore, and I have a little more time to do stuff with my businesses, but, you know, I'm learning a new routine, my husband's in a new position, and we're just figuring out what's going to work with our kids and our roles and things like that.

And I think that, like everybody has said already, the key to doing that is not having, like, a strict role that one person has to do, the other has to take, but really just praying about it, and, you know, asking God, like, is this what you want me to step into right now?

And if it is, then just communicating that to your spouse.

And I find that most of the time when we do that, the other one is very supportive, especially, you know, something that we both feel like God has put on our hearts for this season, so, yeah.

I relate to that.

I always tell my kids, I'm like, there's more than one solution to a problem, right?

So to get them to not just perseverate, or even my husband and I to perseverate on, like, this is the only way.

My way is like, we have to just, like, think outside the box sometimes, and just be okay with, like, alternative things than how we've done it, and whether that's, like, a gap filler for a few weeks or a few months, or if that's a new long-term pattern and routine for your family.

And it was interesting, my, I feel like we say that a lot when we're, like, getting frustrated, because our way, you know, like, one person's way isn't, like, easily adopted, but my son just finished first grade, and his co-op teacher gave him this award of how, when there was issues in the class, like, he was the guy coming up with trying to come up with, like, multiple different selections.

That's cute.

That's awesome.

It was just, like, a proud mom moment of, like, okay, like, this is something we're trying to do, like, as a family and in our marriage, but yet, like, I can see even my youngest grabbing hold of, like, in the classroom when his teacher's having an issue, like, well, how about this way, and how about that way?

And giving people who have very different gifts, because I'm pretty sure all of your kids are different, and we've spoken about how we're so different from our spouses, room to, like, use that part of their brain to be like, how do we solve it?

And then sometimes we take a blend of our two solutions, and I think that helps defuse some of the frustration when there's a challenge either expected or unexpected ahead of us, too.

Yeah, I really think it goes back to what Kathleen said about, like, and Chris, I mean, we've all said this, but, like, what is God calling us to?

And I feel like that, like, if you're walking in that, that's where you have grace.

Like, he gives you grace for what he gives you to take on and just remembering that.

But I feel like what moms really need to hear is like, it is okay to go outside of cultural norms.

It's okay that your family structure, rhythms, gender roles, systems, it's okay if it looks different.

We even went through a season when I worked at Maine CDC, where I was the breadwinner, and my husband didn't work for a season.

He worked part-time for a season, but he primarily took care of the boys because of my work schedule.

And in that culture where we lived in our church, it was so opposite.

And I just feel like we had so many conversations about, this is what God's called us to in this season, and it looks very, very different and we're okay with being very, very different.

And I feel like we've always had seasons like that.

And so mamas, today, if you're listening, I hope that you feel freedom to have your family structure look different so that you can really chase after what God is calling you to, what he's calling your husband to, what he's calling your family to, and that it's okay to work, it's okay to stay home, it's okay to share gender roles, it's okay to share chores and mental load.

And I just pray that you have freedom in that today as you listen to this.

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