Episode 24: Tech part 1 (kids)

Welcome to the Beauty of Better podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and faith.

Hey, mamas, welcome back to the Beauty of Better podcast.

We're excited that you're joining us today.

The focus on our conversation today is going to be about technology, kind of how we steward that with our own children and ourselves.

And we're all in kind of different places in different seasons, and I think our culture is changing and shifting.

And so this is something that maybe we've had to change and shift our tactics, our strategies from having little ones to older ones, and teaching them to steward it themselves.

So I'll kind of start with sharing just kind of what technology use looks like in our home with our kids.

And then the other ladies will kind of jump in and share that.

And then we'll kind of share about some personal usage.

So for our family, we have four kids ranging from like almost 13 to almost 7.

And we've got three daughters and a son.

We do like a hybrid homeschool thing.

So, you know, we're sometimes needing to use technology for school.

Sometimes it's for recreation or communication with friends.

So one of our family rules that we have with technology is that technology is only used in public spaces.

So that was an advice that I got from just some parents who are a little bit further along the road than us and through our church.

And they were just saying, hey, you know, if you can keep tech in public spaces, that's going to help ease temptation.

And so for us, like we have a two-story home.

And so for us, technology just stays downstairs.

And so that way there's just transparency in what's being viewed and like how much or how little is being consumed.

And so even though we've toyed with revisions in our home, like we just don't have TVs in our rooms, and we don't have computers upstairs.

And then typically we have a charging station downstairs for like iPads and phones.

And then another thing that we've kind of talked about with our kids is just monitoring that usage a little bit.

We're not at the stage that any of our kids have phones.

So hopefully Danielle can speak on how to manage that because I haven't quite got there yet.

But when it comes to like when to use technology, there's just a few things we ask of our kids before they requested to use tech.

So we're going to say, okay, have you taken care of yourself?

So whether that's a quiet time, brushing their teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast, some of like foundational things of caring for themselves.

And then like have they kind of cared for their mind and their body?

So like have they practiced the piano or read for 20 to 30 minutes or gone outside?

So kind of making sure they're caring for themselves and like first, rather than just waking up and tech is the first thing that they want to go to.

So those are just some habits that we started when they were a little bit younger, that like at this point, we're okay maintaining.

Sometimes it's not perfect, but those are kind of just some things that we kind of check with the kids.

We're like, have you taken care of yourself?

Have you?

You know, then we can say, yeah, that's fine.

And then when our kids do engage with technology, whether it's them on the computer playing like maybe an educational game or chatting through email with their friends, my older one does that, or even watching TV, typically we'll say, hey, you know, this is kind of what we have going on today.

So maybe you're going to watch one show, or maybe it's going to be two shows, or maybe it's 20 minutes.

And then we'll kind of, before we initiate it, kind of put up what the expectations are for that time.

And it limits, but doesn't eliminate meltdowns often when they kind of know what the expectations are upfront.

And sometimes we're more consistent with that.

Sometimes we're a little more tired and we're like, okay, you know what?

This has been a long day.

We're going to get more time and we just need that more.

This work thing is taking longer, and I need to plug away the e-mails.

So yeah, put on a little bit more time.

But that's just kind of some general family things for our family.

I can jump in since I have the children with phones.

Actually, my oldest has a phone.

We got him a phone when he went to middle school because he went from home school life to a middle school seventh and eighth grade of 1200 kids.

And it was like, I want to be able to reach you.

And then if you need me to come pick you up for anything, like I want that communication.

And then our middle son is in the same boat, like getting ready to go to middle school.

So we just got him a phone.

So it's a newer thing for him.

So we don't, I felt like I didn't want to buy phones for the purpose of like, everybody has a phone, get a phone.

Like kids have phones in like kindergarten now and it's crazy.

So we just decided that rule, like if they're starting middle school and they're going into like a big environment, like we want to be able to get them, know where they are, like that was our rule for that.

I also feel like you guys, technology is so hard.

I would love a manual on this, and I feel like it changes like every day.

And it's like, there's new things to tackle, and like there's AI, like we're having those conversations now.

I mean, we even see that with our college students and just like, how do you navigate this in a healthy way?

So I feel like we're still learning a lot.

And it's actually such a complex issue.

So I feel like we haven't broken down into categories.

So we have like the phone category, then we have like the technology for homework category, because like Brandon needs to use his laptop a lot.

Lyndon, like our youngest actually has homework on his computer, which I'm not a fan of.

And then we have video games, like old school video games, like you have a controller, and then there's VR video games that we have a separate category for.

And then, because that's like more in your eyes, and I feel like I health, like we have different limitations on that.

And then we have like TV shows as one category, and then YouTube as a second category, even though it can be viewed on the TV.

So I'm not going to get too complex today, because it's super complex.

You have a chart.

Literally, so like the boys have different time limits on different aspects of technology based on what they're being used for.

And based just on, like we view actually TV shows and traditional TV as a way where it actually challenges our boys to get along, where it's like, okay, you have TV time, but you have to decide on a show together, and you have to watch something together.

So it actually helps them like negotiate and say like, these are my top three, what are your top three?

And like, which one can we agree on?

And so I feel like there's more wiggle room with that one for me because I feel like it forces them to get along.

But we do have those basic checks at the beginning of the day, like Cristiana said, with like, you can't use any form of technology until like you brush your teeth, you have your breakfast, your dress, like take care of yourself for the day.

And then we actually, I don't know the name of it, but whatever we use for our internet, my husband like changed it so that there's like more control over the devices so that we have more visibility with that.

And I think just as a family rule, like we have passwords to everything.

So whatever our boys are looking at or are into, like we have access to that at all times, and they know that.

And I think more than the limitations, it's just having those conversations around like, how do we value people, and what do we look at, and what do we not look at, and how do you tell us when like something has come up on your computer, if it has.

And so I think it's more about communication rather than limitations.

Yeah.

And just creating that safe space for them to talk about it, and like even talk about like, oh, my friends are doing this, this, and this.

And I feel like our boys have been able to talk about that with us, because we've created that space for them.

And Christina, I was just gonna say, my original plan, parenting, was like no computers in rooms, like shared space.

And then I got a son who was like an engineer who had homework all the time and has like these crazy hard calculus courses.

And like he needs quiet time to do all of that.

So it's like if he did his homework downstairs, like he would never get anything done because our other two are so loud.

So he does have a computer in his room.

The other computers are all like in common spaces.

But I also feel like it depends on personality types.

Completely.

So like he's come to me and he's like, Mom, I realized that I hope he's okay with me sharing this.

He's like, Mom, I realized like I really like this game on my phone, but I don't want to waste my time because I want to be productive with my time.

So I actually put a time limit on my phone so that I can only open apps this many times per day or something.

And I was like, Wow, you're already setting your own limitations.

Like we didn't even have to tell you to do that.

But that's his personality type.

So I think it varies where like my other kids, as they get older, I feel like they're going to need those limitations, like put in place for them.

But I think the key to all of it is just open communication, like about anything and just having open passwords where it's like, you have the freedom to just like see what they're seeing and see what they're doing at any point in time.

And just knowing that that's an open conversation.

Yeah, I can echo that, Danielle.

We've always made things a conversation about what we watch and what we don't watch, and you don't rely on what everyone else is watching to give you the okay.

It's like, no, we decide as a family what's a Henderson thing, what's not.

And I think when you have that conversation, instead of it just being like a straight no, then kids start to understand the heart behind that no.

And so my older daughter, she's my first born.

She sounds like your first born, Danielle, and she's very much a rural follower.

And she'll be like, is this allowed?

She'll be the first one to check.

And I'm really thankful.

Thank you, Lord, for first borns, like rural followers, because she does show up to me.

She's like, maybe put this show on.

Is it allowed?

Is it OK?

I'm like, thank you for checking.

Because my other one, Evelyn, is less inclined that way.

And I love her, but she's got that little cheekiness to her.

But so anyway, they learn to have those internal boundaries.

Like when they hear your heart behind it.

And also, like, it was maybe a couple of years ago, a friend gave me this good book just in regards to technology.

You know, we're having to deal with things as parents.

We're having to have conversations with our kids earlier on things like pornography, things like that.

So there was this book that she gave me, and they have one for each age and stage.

It's called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.

So this one was designed for, like, kind of toddlers to, like, early elementary.

And it's just talking to them about, like, how, and it's a Christian book, but it's talking about, like, you know, there's things out there that, like, aren't good for our eyes to see.

And, you know, the book just walks through that and helps open up the conversation for you as a parent just to say, like, hey, you know, there's things that can come up sometimes on technology that's not good for our eyes to see.

And can we, you know, recognize that?

And it teaches you, like, if something comes up that feels wrong, like you, you know, go tell a parent.

It gives you this, like, step by step, like, go tell your parent and tell them what you saw.

And I don't know, I just thought that was helpful because it helped kind of open up that conversation.

And we're probably going to have to have a bigger conversation with our oldest daughter.

She's going on nine.

And they kind of say to have those bigger conversations around that age these days.

So just helping them learn how to navigate technology in this age.

But like one of you had said, it's always kind of changing a little bit with managing the technology with kiddos.

You know, where we're at right now, I started this token system.

So, you know, they always like when they come back from school, they get like a half an hour of shows to just kind of settle down and everybody just kind of calm down.

But if they want like bonus time like on the iPad or thankfully, they don't have any homework on technology.

They just have paper homework, which I'm thankful for that.

But any extra time they want, so they save up these tokens for doing their chores.

They actually pick and I have like different numbers on the wooden tokens.

And so at the end of the day, if they've gotten all their chores done, they pick a token and they can either save these up for like buying something that they want or they can use the token.

So like if it says a five on it, that's like five minutes.

They can save those up and use that towards bonus technology time.

And it's actually worked out so good because they're more motivated to get a new toy at the store than technology time, at least at their age.

So I'm like, this is excellent.

But, you know, it's funny, though, because my second born daughter, she bought herself, she wanted, it's a toy phone.

So it's not a real phone, can't call anyone.

But it looks exactly like an iPhone and it has this unicorn case on it.

But it like she had been saving up for like weeks and weeks because she was like, I want this.

And my older sister was like freaking out, or not sister, my older daughter was like, she was like, no, she's going to get addicted.

Mom, you can't do this.

You can't do this.

And she is like, she's just like hounding me, like how could you do this mother?

But anyway, so Evelyn saved up, and my husband and I just decided, you know what, we'll let her have this, and this will be her reward when she gets her homework done.

And she can have a reward of playing, and she plays games on it.

And to be honest, she's only been playing stories, it read aloud stories, and she plays that for her younger brothers.

And so I'm like, okay, so far this is okay.

But it's helping our kids ultimately, we do want them to learn to find boundaries with that and to understand the heart behind why we limit ourselves with these things.

We want that to carry them into adulthood.

So, yeah.

And well, and at the minute though, we have a show first thing in the morning because our foster son is the first one up.

And he was having a really hard time in the mornings.

And I was trying all the things.

And so honestly, like right now, we're in a little bit of a of a rut with the first thing, having a show on in the morning, but realizing that, you know what, that'll change over time as he settles, as he learns to, you know, control himself a little bit better in the morning.

But right now, my kids are living life.

They're like, we've got a show in the morning before school.

But you know, you just kind of have to give yourself grace to just ebb and flow whatever your situation is like, whatever your season is in.

Maybe it's a really hard season, and sometimes you need a little bit more extra technology at times and don't feel guilt over that.

But then realizing that you can pull it back, you know, and make adjustments here and there.

And so, yeah, just want to encourage myself.

I let my boys do that too, Kathleen.

Like my two younger ones will watch a show together like as they're eating breakfast, just because like if they don't, they're going to start, like especially one of them is going to start a project and he's going to like start creating and inventing and then he's not going to want to go out the door for school.

And it's like, no, we can't go down that road, but like you can calmly watch a show and eat your breakfast and like chill until we have to like leave.

So yeah, it's different seasons.

But when you were talking, it just reminded me, I feel like all of this ties back to our episode on family values.

And like really those are our parameters, right?

Like those are what we use to like see the heart behind our decisions and like really move together as a family.

And I feel like that's what all of our topics really tie back to really even technology of just like, what are our family values and why do we value these?

And how does that set boundaries on what we do with technology?

Yeah, I think technology is a tool, right?

So it's it's something that can be used for a purpose.

And if you're listening to this and you're thinking, wow, these are really great ideas, but gosh, I don't like do any of these right now.

That's OK.

You don't have to do it exactly like any one of us does it.

But hopefully this can just encourage you that it can be done different ways and it can, like everyone was just saying, it can look different.

And as you learn and grow, like your kids will learn and grow and like your own.

I think sometimes we can look at our kids and say, oh, my gosh, look how much they've grown.

But like you've also grown as a mom and that.

So just acknowledging that and celebrating that.

I'll just speak a little bit to technology with like really little kids.

I feel like I got some great ideas from listening to you guys.

So thank you.

We don't really have near as many options as the older kids do at this point with our kids being four or two and five months old.

But basically, the main thing I think that we utilize right now is like a show on the TV.

And sometimes, I don't know why little kids love to watch videos of themselves on the phone.

I'm afraid to.

So typically, with shows, we, I mean, even with our four-year-old, we have these conversations about, well, like, let's, you know, let's pick a show that can help teach us something.

So I'll typically give them a choice between two or three.

And then they have to agree together.

And if they don't agree, then they have to at least compromise, like, okay, we'll watch this one this time, because that's what my older son wants.

And then, you know, we'll watch what the middle one wants next time.

So I can't remember who said that they also do that, but I did that.

Yeah.

You said that, but I feel like it is a, you know, we're going to work as a team.

We try to get the boys to work together as a team a lot.

And so they can also do that with technology.

It can be this like teamwork that they figure out what they like together.

And so we just we just try to limit the time amount and really utilize it when it's really necessary right now, because a lot of the times they really enjoy playing together or going outside, and they have so much energy.

So we try to like either give them jobs to do together or we like just go physically move together.

It might be one of those two things.

And then technology is oftentimes used when either everybody's exhausted and just needs a little chill moment or sometimes when I'm making dinner and I'm exhausted and I need a chill moment and they're like at each other's throats and I'm like, okay, we're going to pick a show and you guys can watch that while mommy makes dinner.

Sometimes they help me, but realistically not every single night.

And that sounds really nice, but sometimes I just need to cook by myself for 20 minutes.

And that's my reset button.

So I also think that you can ebb and flow with that and do what works based on how the day is going.

Some days are just harder, but I have one of my sons who really can get quite addicted to stuff.

So we just have to be careful.

And we also say the boundary up front, like we're going to watch one when it's done, we're going to turn it off, and then we're going to do this.

So it's a clear expectation of what is going to happen.

And my other five-month-old is not really watching much at all.

So that's kind of like we're not sticking him in front of the TV at all.

But my other two, like one of my sons is more, he just doesn't care as much about it.

So he'll watch it for a little bit, and then he'll just kind of start playing on his own.

And that's just kind of the personality difference there.

So I think just different limits based on the kid's personalities too, and just not being afraid to do what works for the unique individual differences of your child.

And also modeling that too.

So like technology, when I'm, you know, around them, I'm trying not to be on my phone looking at stuff a lot, because if we're like going to a park and I'm on my phone, like what is that?

What is that telling them?

I'm like, oh, we went to a park to be outside together, but mommy's going to sit here on her phone.

Like that, that's not, for me, that's not the time that I want to be spending doing that sort of thing.

So if I'm sitting in the car and we're doing a target pickup order, like, yeah, maybe I'll check my phone really quick.

They're in the back seat.

They can't really see me yet.

Not that it's bad that they see me, but just being intentional with the time that, and just being careful how we model that too.

So maybe we, I don't know if we have time today to get into that, but we might be doing a different episode on us and how, just how we model technology usage and just boundaries that we have for ourselves.

But yeah, does anybody else have anything that they didn't say that they thought of when?

I was just thinking of one thing, kind of what you were talking about modeling.

Yeah, I can resonate with that piece too.

I think one thing that we've done or that my kids have noticed too is that we have, and this was an idea that we got from parents who are a little bit older than us and further along was the no phones or no tech at the table during dinnertime.

So like our dinnertime is like our one time that all six of us most nights, not every night, right, are there.

And so it's like, okay, this is our tech free time where we're going to connect with one another.

So like that's spilled into like if we're out at a place to eat, that it's just like, you know what, we want to be intentional, hear about each other's days, connect, talk, engage to the point that my kids have even brought up like, well, why are they doing this?

Or why is this person doing that?

I'm like, well, the family values, like Danielle was saying too.

So that there is those spaces because I think as our kids get older and school and activities and friends, we still want to have that time of connection, of knowing and making sure that the family unit is connected.

And if someone's having a hard day, how to support them.

And so having that space has worked for our family, doing that, of having zones or times that we're tech-free.

But I was encouraged, Danielle, I've noticed my oldest's workload has increased so much with being in junior high.

And I'm like, okay, we need to find new ways to adjust our technology use.

So definitely encouraged.

Definitely when they need quiet time with it.

But I was going to echo, like we do the same thing with dinner, where it's like no phones, no toys at dinner.

Like we're just here together more present.

We also do like no phones in your rooms, like when you're going to bed at night, and like they drop their phones on the desk in the loft, and no phones in the bathroom.

So like there are rules like that too.

But I do think we should have a whole other episode where we just talk about like our own technology limits, because I know that we've set boundaries for ourselves, and we are very concerned about what we're modeling to our kids.

Not that we're perfect.

I think we can talk through some of that too, but I think we should have a whole other episode on that and just like dive into that deeper.

But mamas, we just hope that you got some gold nuggets today just as we processed technology limits.

And you know, it really is something that we're all trying to figure out that nobody has a formula or manual for, and it really is just as technology is evolving, like, how do we go back to our family values?

And if you haven't listened to that episode, go back and listen to it and see, like, how do you set your family values?

And then how do you parent off of that, even with things like technology?

We just hope that this was encouraging to you today.

Thanks so much for listening to the Beauty of Better podcast.

If you like today's episode, don't forget to subscribe.

Connect with our community and check out other resources on our website at beautyofbetter.com.

We hope this podcast helped you take the next small step to find the beauty in becoming better.