Episode 23: Car time

Welcome to the Beauty of Better podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and faith.

Hi, mamas, welcome to the Beauty of Better podcast.

Today, we're gonna be talking about car time with kids.

And I think this is gonna be a fun episode because we all have kids that are different ages, and we're just gonna talk about how to redeem the car time, essentially.

So how not to just look at it as something that we have to do when we're, you know, being chauffeurs for our kids and driving them all over the place.

But how can we use that time and redeem it in some way and what all of us do individually in the current phases that we're in with our kids to do that?

So I will start and just share briefly something that I do with my kids.

I've got, all my kids are under five, so they're definitely younger.

And something that we just try to do, if it's been a particularly crazy morning, is right when we get in the car, I'll just say, like, I'll say, okay, guys, let's everybody take a deep breath.

And we'll all take a deep, deep breath.

And then we'll say like a little prayer to kind of start the day.

And then I'll let them pick a Jesus song.

That's what we call them.

So they get to pick a Jesus song, and then we'll listen to it.

And sometimes we'll talk about what we're doing for the day.

So they kind of know, you know, what's coming.

And that's typically how I use car time right now.

But I'm actually really excited to hear from the other moms on our team and hear what they do with kids that are a little bit older.

So Kathleen, do you want to go next?

Sure.

Well, you know, I have four kids, and my eldest is, well, she'll be nine in October.

So we're kind of getting to that point where the older, my two older girls are like wanting to do different things than my younger boys who are three and four.

But, you know, I do like to have like conversations with them.

And to be honest, like, I'm quite like, I don't know, I'm a silly mom.

I call myself a silly mom.

I love having dance parties with my kids.

And so honestly, a lot of times we'll just put on like silly music and just like, especially if the kids are tired after school and stuff, like, I can just tell like, oh, we're on the border here of everyone melting down, you know, just changing the mood.

Like oftentimes we as moms do set the mood.

And if we're coming into something like with a grumpy attitude, kids always feel that, like moms really do set the atmosphere a lot of times.

And so sometimes like I just like put on like upbeat music and I'll just like have a dance party or I'll let like lately, like my oldest daughter, she kind of has like a privilege for her because she does help me so much, like with the younger kids, like I let her be the DJ.

And so she gets to pick the songs and it's kind of like her special privilege.

So so she often like picks the songs and stuff.

And we make it real time of just like dancing and fun.

And so that's something that we've kind of done with our kids that are sort of different ages and that's really helped us.

But and then also, well, when I have just our younger boys, like they really love like worship music.

And you do see that like when you're intentional in putting that music on, they do learn the lyrics and they sing along.

And that's a really good time of just like simple discipleship.

Call it dashboard discipleship, maybe cheesy name.

But it's like, you know, just yeah, like they start singing these songs, and the other day, I actually just oftentimes I have these encounter moments with God, like in the car as we put on worship, you know, because everybody's strapped in, not like jumping on you.

And so it's like sometimes in that stillness, like I often meet with the Lord.

And the other day, that song was on like I Surrender All.

And it's kind of an older hymn.

And I love that song, but our little foster boy was singing it in the back.

And I actually started just like tearing up in that moment, because I felt like God just say, we surrender so much as moms.

We surrender all so that the prayer is that our kids would surrender all to Jesus.

And I just had that fresh reminder from the Lord of like, I see everything you do as a mom, like all this plates that you're spinning.

And I want you to just more and more surrender over to me so that your kids learn what surrender to my voice looks like.

And so anyway, I just say that as like, those part times can often be really sweet moments of communion and connection with God and bringing our kids along in that as well.

So maybe Danielle, I know you have older kids as well.

So what are some of the things you guys do?

Yeah, my oldest is 15 and youngest is nine.

And oftentimes I really feel like a taxi.

We have three different drop-offs, three different pickups, like multiple activities.

I know Christiana is kind of in the same boat with that, but it always feels a little crazy.

So I do feel like we've chosen to be very intentional with car time.

We do have a rule that kids can't use electronics in the car unless we're on a road trip, like that's allowed, but we don't want them just like checking out and zoning out and then we zone out and then where's the intentionality in that.

But I often find myself like, we'll start in the car together if I'm doing multiple drop-offs.

And so like the conversation together is usually around like, what is your day going to look like if it's a morning drop-off?

And just like get the boys talking about that more so they're prepared for their day and they can remember like, oh, I've got this activity or I'm getting picked up at this time.

So more like a reminder so the day goes a little smoother.

But then as I start to drop them off, I can have more like one-on-one conversations or during pickups.

And I feel like I am loving this time and this season, especially with my oldest, like we will have the hardest life conversations.

And just in the car, and we'll talk about awful politics, right?

And just like both sides, like he's got friends kind of in both camps of politics.

And so we talk about that and we talk about like, what is our role in that?

And how do we be a good friend no matter what?

And why do people believe the things that they believe?

And then we talk about hard global health issues, just because he understands a lot of my work, and he goes on trips with me, and he sees that.

And so he'll ask questions, and then sometimes we talk about the stock market.

Just like different things.

But I also try to just like choose topics that my boys like, whether or not I like them.

So like my oldest, we'll talk about the stock market.

And my middle boy, like, we're gonna talk about the newest VR game and like why it's so cool.

And my youngest, we're gonna talk about like creating and building and inventing and all the things.

If we're all in the car together, like as a family, we will put like on worship music.

And usually like we go through a rotation of all five of us.

And so it's like, right now, it's Dada's turn to choose the song.

And then it's mama's and we go in order by birth.

And so then we'll all get to like choose a song and value whatever song was chosen and wait until your turn to choose your own.

But yeah, I feel like that's the majority of our car times.

I think Joey's a little more fun and we'll put on like loud music and just like sing at the top of his lungs.

But yeah, it's just different dynamics, different days, depending on who's in the car and what dynamics there are.

So, but just trying to be intentional as much as possible.

Yeah, I can resonate with pieces of each of the things that you guys are saying.

So my oldest, just for reference, is almost 13, which I'm trying to come to grips with.

And then my little guy is going to be turning seven in a couple of months too.

So like right now we're 12 and six, but we're about to transition because those two, how are you birthdays?

But yeah, I think it depends for us on the length of the trip.

And then again, the composition of who's in the car.

My oldest has always been requesting elevation worship because they've been playing that a lot at our youth group recently.

And there's one song that she's always wanting to go to.

But one thing that we have our rhythm, Tuesdays is our longest day in the car.

And so sometime from like leaving work to doing all of the pickups and getting home could take me about two hours.

And that's just been extended with just other circumstances that are just unique to this season.

But I can see that that is ending.

But in this season, we're like, okay, it's going to be well.

So from work to first pick up, typically I'm picking, like maybe listening to an audible book that I want to, or if worship, I'll put on worship music, or maybe that's my time to make a phone call to someone who I just want a kid free time to connect with.

And so that's like the first leg.

And then picking up my daughter, my first one, when I just have one in the car, it's just like, she's my more introverted one.

And so she comes alive when she's just one on one.

And so I just, we kind of have nothing on at that point when I pick her up, so that I can just hear about her day, and she's just processing things, and I have three daughters.

And so I feel like, I feel this like mantle of like, okay, like I need to help like usher them into womanhood and like different friendship dynamics and other emotions that they're going through.

And so I'm trying to like make myself available in the small and the big moments for that.

So for her, that's helpful to have that one-on-one.

And then we go and we pick up two more.

And then when they get in the car, it gets a little more loud and crazy, and we're just kind of hanging out, having a good time and, you know, talking about the day.

But then we pick up our fourth one, and we're around in the corner to come home.

On Tuesdays, their favorite podcast of these stories come out.

And so we know that that will drop at the time that we pick up our, my fourth child.

So we're like all waiting.

We're like, okay, we're going to get to listen to this story.

And it's about the same moment of time from like where that pickup is to like where we're currently living.

And so we, you know, all get to listen to a story together, and then we get to talk about like, you know, they do like parodies off of Greek myths, or like they did one on Noah's Ark, and then they like kind of make it more kind of interactive.

And so all of them love that.

And so it's just kind of a time to like talk about, oh, well, why did the Greeks do this and this?

And how does that intersect with what we believe about, like how they have multiple gods, and we have one god?

And so it just like leads to conversation.

And so it's kind of fun to have that.

So that's our long day.

So it looks different depending on, like what you guys said, who's in the car.

If we take long drives up to see my mother-in-law and father-in-law, we'll do the rotation kind of like what Danielle was saying of, okay, Poppy's gonna pick, and we're gonna do some worship music or some other music right now.

If it's our turn, maybe they're requesting a story, or maybe we're just talking.

My son, though, it's interesting when he's in the car, my youngest guy, he's very, he asks great questions for a six-year-old.

And so sometimes the problem of evil will come up, and I'm like, okay, here, how do I explain why there's hard things and bad things in the world, and how do you break that down to a six-year-old?

So it's just, yeah, trying to embrace it, even on those long days, is kind of where we're at too.

But different strategies, different seasons, different ages, and I know we'll change, so as we get a driver.

But Danielle, you're closer to that than we are, so.

You are.

Yeah, that's super strange.

I think that's another dynamic of car time too, like when I'm alone in the car when he's driving, and just, yeah, how we spend those moments together.

But yeah, I think the whole point is, we just wanna be intentional with our time.

And it's one of those things where, I think we talked about this in another episode, where it's like, we can look at it as like, oh, I've gotta go grocery shopping, and I have to work out, and have a bad attitude, gotta drop all the kids off and be a taxi today.

Or it's like, I get to do this, and I get to spend time with my kids in the car, and I get to have these special moments with them, and I get to have these intentional conversations, and seeing it as a gift rather than another chore and another checklist.

But I think there's other dynamics too, where it's like, okay, we have our kids in the car, but then we also have alone time in the car, right?

We've got Beauty of Better podcast for that.

Yeah.

In our episodes.

But yeah, I don't know if you guys want to speak to your alone time in the car, and what that looks like.

Yeah.

How to be intentional.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'll jump in first.

So I think with having really young children, when I'm alone in the car, I just a lot of times will not play a single thing.

And even sometimes when my kids are with me, like, I feel like I can just take a couple minutes and breathe and like reset myself when we're in the car.

And when I am by myself, I will use that time to pray a lot.

And that feels like a really good fit for me in this season because it's really loud all day.

And there's not really a respite from that because, yeah, I mean, you have multiple kids, multiple schedules, and they're all younger.

So it's not like everybody's taking a nap anymore.

And I've got a loud house to you, though, and I've got other kids.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

Maybe it's the point thing.

No, I don't know.

Maybe it's a good thing.

But having three little boys is just very beautiful and messy and loud and chaotic.

So I think when I'm in the car, I just like, I'm more introverted.

So I do enjoy just having a little bit of quiet, or I may sometimes, Marco Polo, a friend, I use that app to kind of stay in touch with other moms that are out of state or out of country.

And that's kind of how I will talk to my friends in this season.

And most of the time is through Marco Polo.

And it works really well, because then I can just watch it when I have a minute, and they can watch it when they have a minute.

But I do really like praying in the car and just having that time as quiet time where I can talk to God and actually hear myself think.

So that's kind of what I use it for, but I would be curious to hear from you guys what you use it for with older kids.

I can jump in.

I mean, I think I actually shared about this in our quiet time episode.

And that's actually one of my quiet time places is just like, that's when I drive and I pray and I put on worship music.

So I think I still use it in a similar way, even with older kids.

And it is just that like, you know, you have peace and quiet for a minute where you don't know when you're going to get that at home.

So I feel like that's the consistent quiet time for me is just in the car.

And I know my husband's very introverted.

And so if our house is just like chaos and loud and lots of things going on, I'll just be like, go drive and get a coffee.

Like go just get in the car by yourself.

And he loves that.

So it's just like, I feel like we all view it as quiet time.

Just like pause, reset, pray, listen to worship music.

Yeah, even though they're older.

I think for me, it just depends on like, if I've had that quiet time or not yet.

Like, so each day can look so different depending on, you know, our kids are in a hybrid program.

So we homeschool some, but they're in person some.

But then we have extracurricular activities, some that are done, some that are still on our calendar.

And so the length of the drive and then like how the day has been going will kind of determine like, okay, like I woke up early and I had quiet time, but like today's been really hard.

So I need more, you know, like I need to process what's going on.

But then if I don't have words, then often worship like helps usher that in for me.

Kelsey, I can definitely remember like that season that you were being like, I want like silence.

Like, I just want a moment where there's like no sound.

And so like, I can vividly remember that.

And so there's, yeah, so I feel like I picked that.

But if I have a decent amount of time, a lot of times I'll call like a parent or a family member and try to connect with them too.

Because I feel like my time of connection with people is often with my kids and shared.

And so sometimes it's just nice to like feel like you can be an adult and say, hey, like, this is really what's going on.

And can you pray for me here?

I need your wisdom here.

And kind of have that community moment as well.

So I think I just I liked the other word that you used to, Kelsey, is like that reset.

So a lot of times when we are in the morning drop offs with our kids, I'll pray for them in the car before.

Either we'll do it collectively before we leave the house, in the car, we're still parked in the driveway, or at each of their drop offs before they're allowed to go to their classrooms or whatever.

I'm like, nope, let's start our day.

Whether the morning was crazy and we're running late, or let's just have that reset and refocus before.

So I would say I like plans, I like schedules, I like consistency.

So my natural bent would be to have the same rhythm every time I'm in the car by myself.

But I'm realizing some of it, I just need to do a pulse check and being like, where am I at?

What's going on with my family today, with me?

God, what are you calling me into?

The steward this time that you gifted me, because it really is a gift to have that alone time, which we sometimes have on a given day, and sometimes we don't.

So I'm trying to be a little bit more leaning into what he has for that time for me, rather than autopilot, because I feel like a lot of other things can often feel like autopilot.

So it's freeing to be like, oh, maybe I'll pick this, or maybe I'll pick this, or what are you calling me into?

So yeah, I'm gonna miss it when my kids drive on their own, or when they carpool, like it's nice, you don't have to do it.

And we've definitely started leaning on that more.

But I feel like some of the best conversations with my kids and particularly, yeah, well, all of them have been either the car or right at bedtime.

So yeah, those are where the gold nuggets come out.

Yeah.

That's so true.

Well, I suppose I could honestly echo all those things you, Hattie, said, don't necessarily have much to add to that.

Because when I'm driving, and the one person, when I'm driving by myself, it is like a place of refuge for me too, and just to be still and hear from the Lord, even before I had kids or before I was even married.

I remember I used to drive, I had a six-hour drive between my hometown and my college, and I would drive that in complete silence, the whole drive.

And so I'm like, I always say, I was like, I could be a monk.

Just like live in silence.

But, you know, so I really like appreciate that time.

But I did just want to say one little tidbit, you know, sometimes I just want to speak into, because, you know, we have a foster son, and in the last several months, we've been adjusting to, you know, life with him.

He's been adjusting life with us.

I wanted to speak real quick into, you know, sometimes car time can be an area of stress for moms, because maybe your kiddos have additional needs, or there's things that just feel like you almost, like, tense up thinking about going in the car.

Like, I know that I can relate to that.

And I just want to encourage those mamas, like, just to, like, pray and really ask the Holy Spirit to give you some solutions for the car.

Or maybe your kids have gotten dependent on, you know, electronic devices in order to have any kind of calm in the car.

And maybe just like, and these are things that, like, I've had to pray into, because, you know, at times, it's felt like chaos in the car.

And, like, one thing, you know, here in California, we have the freeway, so they get backed up a lot.

And one day, I felt like, God, just give me the idea, have the kids, like, find the rainbow in cars.

And we've used that game ever since I felt like he plopped that into my lap, because I literally prayed.

I was like, God, did you give me a game on this freeway, because it's like, the traffic is really, you know, bad, and the kids are losing it.

And so then he said, I literally felt like he'd say, like, find the rainbow of the car.

So anyway, now whenever we're on the freeway, they're like, can we find a purple one?

Because like, that's the hardest one to find.

And so it's kind of become this little tool now that like, instead of them just zoning out or wanting to watch something on my phone or whatever, it's like, okay, let's like look for something intentional.

And then also, you know, with our foster son, like we found a spot for him in the car where he has this box of fidget toys.

And this has really helped, like, calm him down.

And he feels like he has a safe space.

He sometimes gets agitated when other kids, the other kids are like right next to him, or loud noises.

So we have like sound canceling headphones.

And, you know, it's just like finding these ways to like make this space like work for you and your family and just praying, like all these things that feel stressful and heavy, like to just saying, okay, God, would you help me in this?

Like, I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know what to do.

And I just wanted to share that as just a little testament that God has been giving me tools in spaces that have maybe been stressful at times.

And just know that he'll speak to you when you ask.

So just want to encourage mamas out there in that.

So, but does anyone have anything else to say before we wrap this episode up?

You just made me, yeah, think of something when you're thinking about kind of that safe space, you made me kind of reflect.

We were in a season where we can't currently live in our home due to some repairs that are happening there.

And so we're actually living a little bit further away from where our normal life is.

And so we've been doing a lot of additional time in the car more than normal.

And so as we're processing that and trying to learn adaptability, as of what we're talking about as a family, is I've started to realize our car is an extension of our home, right?

So when I'll look at the car, and I'm like, oh my gosh, their clothes are in here, they didn't pick up their trash, or like, oh, we need to get the car washed.

And I'm like, okay, we are essentially nomads right now.

So like, their little corner of the car is their space.

And so we all have different levels of cleanliness in our group of six.

We are working through learning how to do that well.

So there's seasons where it's cleaner and not, but I think that concept has come to me over this past month of just really like, okay, this is the extension of our home.

So we need it to be a space where we can still transport a lot of things as we're moving between different homes and checking on our current home and going to activities, but kind of thinking like, what do I want the tone of this to be?

So like, how do we create that?

I'm like, okay, so that means making sure, you know, I wash the car so when I see it, like it's actually not stressful to be like, oh, there's, you know, this or that.

So that's one thing I've been thinking about, like, just because we're in the car more of like, I need to have the snacks, I need to have the water, I need to have this extension so that we feel like we can handle this nomad, temporary nomad life a little bit better.

So, I mean-

That's a really good tip, Christiana, because I feel the same.

I feel like if the car is clean, and I'm like, okay, it just feels calmer in here.

The kids aren't crunching on bags of snacks as they're getting to their chairs.

It's like, yeah, looking at that as an extension of your house is a really good analogy, because it's like, okay, if you want your house to feel calm and help the kids to feel calm, like I often do a clean out before I go get them from school, and you make sure you have the snacks and the stuff, because you know that meltdowns might happen, they're hungry, all of that.

So, kind of helping set the scene in that space can help create, like, yeah, just help set the atmosphere of the ride.

So, I loved that.

Thanks for sharing that.

I was just going to say, I also feel like, you know, we're giving tips and ideas on, like, what usually works well for us, and maybe some of our rhythms, but, like, we also have meltdowns too.

Like, we don't have perfect cars, and, like, our kids have meltdowns, like all four of us, and just, like, you know, that just happens, and that's real life.

And so, don't think that we have perfect car rides at Beauty of Better.

Like, we're all trying to get a little bit better with our car rides and just be a little more intentional in understanding those hard days come.

But, mamas, we just hope that you were able to take something out of this conversation today and really just take one small step to becoming better and more intentional with your car rides alone and with your kids.

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