Episode 11: Family Rhythms Part 3

Welcome to the Beauty of Better Podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and faith.

Hey, mamas, welcome back this week.

You know, we're super excited.

Our four squares are complete this week.

We've got Kelsey back for this episode, and we're so excited.

She just had a baby.

So she might be in and out of episode.

She might leave early if she needs to, but we just want her voice, as long as we can have her voice.

And this week, we're going to continue our talk on Family Rhythms.

So this is Part 3 of Family Rhythms.

And with this one, we really wanted to focus on grace and just releasing grace over you and even praying for you and just talking about how do you have grace for your family, for your systems, for your rhythms that you have, and just to go against cultural norms and just grace in transitions.

And so that's what we're going to dive into today.

And I'm actually going to have Kelsey just jump in because she's in a major transition right now.

Yeah.

It's so nice to be here.

And yeah, I feel like my life is a little bit on a stopwatch right now, but that's, I think everybody who's had a baby can relate to that a little bit.

So I think the idea of grace and just giving ourselves grace as we go against cultural norms, we can start with that.

But I think something that's really against the cultural norm that our family is trying to pursue right now and really all the time is really prioritizing that Sabbath day.

And I think with kids, and especially with the newborn, having a Sabbath just feels really different.

Because there's not, I don't know, I think back to when I didn't have kids in the way that I used to rest and worship looked really different than the way that I am able to do that now.

But for us, we try not to book a ton of things on that day, and just to leave that white space as white space.

And I think just having white space on the calendar in general and viewing that not as time that needs to be filled, but it's just like it's there as white space, we're not going to fill it with anything unless we all feel like it.

And then we can be more spontaneous and really prioritize getting to worship and rest and using our energy for that on, especially on a Sunday.

So for us right now, that looks like trying to be on time for church.

So the kids are getting to see other children and learn about Jesus.

And then we get to listen to the sermon with just the newborn, which definitely feels more restful.

And I think back to myself, if you're listening and you're a first time mom, you're like, what?

That's not restful.

And I totally understand that too.

Like it doesn't feel restful when you're a first time mom to have your newborn with you.

So if that's you, maybe it looks like dropping your newborn off or maybe taking your little one and having someone else hold them.

But when you have older kids, I think just having the quieter time and being able to like sit and get filled up and have somebody speak to you about the Bible and just have some quiet while you're doing that is really great.

So even if it's on a screen, like in the nursing room, and that's amazing.

So we do that on Sundays.

And then also we just try to something really practical that we try to do.

Like we just use paper plates on Sundays so we don't have to do dishes.

I try not to do laundry on Sundays.

If I can get a nap, I'm going to take it.

If I can't, maybe I'm just going to try to read books more with my kiddos in the afternoon so it's a little more chill.

But those are just some practical things, I think, that really go against the cultural norm of like fill your schedule every second, every day, maximize, be productive, do this.

Your worth is in your productivity.

And I think as a Type A person, having children really just flips all that on its head because it's not productive in the way the world says it's productive, but you are valuable and you are like keeping a baby alive.

And that's like, what did you do today?

Like I cared for my children and like I kept my baby healthy.

And I did.

That's what I did.

And it was valuable even if it's not measurable, like everyone else measures things.

So those are just some of the things that pop into my head in the being in the newborn phase right now.

And I think just really prioritizing that Sabbath rest throughout any phase for our family.

That's really important.

And I'm sure it's going to look different as our kids get older and what we're able to do.

But that's something that's really important to us.

And just trying to prioritize that.

So I don't know if anybody else wants to jump in on that or.

It made me think of something with that Sabbath rest, Kelsey.

It kind of makes me think it ties in to that health and self care part too, right?

Just as much as it's going against the cultural norms, like the fact that you're resting not just when you're sleeping, but you're resting during the day.

Right.

And then I think one piece tied to that too is just even recognizing how important sleep is.

Even recently, we've had a season where I just wasn't able to get up early to work out, and I felt like, oh, that's what I need for my health.

But I flipped that and said, hey, you know what?

I can't get my exercise in this season.

Let me make sure I'm getting at least eight hours of sleep.

So there's different seasons, I think, with health that we can't even tie in.

Okay, how am I resting in the day, but how am I also resting at night and caring for these things?

So I can care for my kids, and I can do these other things that are put in front of us.

And so, yeah, I think those two things tie so well together, going into cultural norms and taking care of yourself.

I loved, Kelsey, I loved your Instagram little video you did the other day of like you had your other toddler boys like fighting over something, and then you had your newborn strapped on you, and you were still like lifting weights.

I was like, yes, this is so relatable.

And I love back to what you said is like, if you commit to something, like even if it's not ideal, like lifting three days a week, like I just was so encouraged by that because I was like, man, so many seasons of my life have looked like that, or it's just like chaos and carnage.

But I'm like, I know that I need to get this exercise in so that I don't go crazy.

And so I just, I don't know, I thought that was a really encouraging video because a lot of times we see in culture, like moms always have, or like women have their makeup all done and their hair done, and they're in these perfect lululemon outfits, and they, it just, everything looks pristine.

And it's like that can, when you look at that all the time on social media, that makes you feel kind of like, oh, like I'm less, like I'm not where I should be.

And so I just think, I just loved like your, it was just like real moment.

Like, this is what working out often looks like as a mom with young kids, and learning to be okay with that.

And sometimes having to like, shed out those like cultural images of like, what it's, what's the ideal.

And it's like, okay, you know, I can't, that ideal isn't what's working for me.

So finding what is gonna work for my health.

So I don't know, I was really encouraged by that.

Aw, thanks Kathleen.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, I feel like right now I am trying to, well, all the time really, but just trying to, if I make a promise to myself, I'm trying to keep it, but making a realistic promise to myself.

Like with a 10 week old, he's, I said this before we started recording, but he's my best sleeper out of the three that I've had.

So I feel like I can commit to doing three workouts a week.

Baby, he's fussy.

Hi, baby.

I'm sure he is fussy.

Okay.

I'll see you in a little bit, babe.

So I, that was my oldest there, popping in.

Say hello.

So I'm trying to make a realistic promise, which I think is giving myself grace, right?

Not on, you know, if I'm gonna work out, it's hopefully I'm getting like a certain amount of sleep, like at least, I'm getting at least six to seven hours of sleep, maybe it's scattered or broken, but if I don't get that much, it's not worth it for me to work out.

Like it would just be better off for me to just do a walk or stretch or move, but if I get enough sleep, then I'm going to try to get a lift in, but it's very messy and not ideal in any way right now.

But if I make that promise to myself, I want to keep it because that's having integrity with yourself, just like you have with other people too.

So if you make a promise to somebody else and you keep those, we should really do that with ourselves too, and just give ourselves grace on what that looks like, right?

So I'm not getting up before my kids right now.

I prefer that, but that's not realistic for me.

So I'm just trying to get it in at some point during the day, and that's good enough.

So I feel like we need a whole episode on setting smart goals because that's literally what you're talking about.

It's like it's realistic, it's attainable, like this is what you need in this season of life because you have to do what's working in the season and we can't expect perfection.

So one thing I love that you said about the Sabbath too, that I was thinking back on our family values that we all talked about was just, your Sabbath is also your family time, like you're having it together, you're home, like you're resting.

And I feel like that's something else I value about the Sabbath.

The Sabbath is just having that time together and just not being everywhere for all the things but just relaxing.

And sometimes it also means, like, for us, we open our home on Sundays, and we just let people come over for dinner.

And it's just that expectation of like, I'm not mopping the floors, like I'm not cleaning.

Like, it's just like, I'm gonna cook a whole bunch of food because that's fun for me.

And you can come eat with our family, and it might be messy.

It might not, I don't know.

It depends what the week looked like, but it's just like, here's real life, but let's have a meal together, so.

Yeah, I love that so much.

Well, I wanted to share a little bit, just I'll jump in, just on self-care, because I'm in a new season as well, and maybe some listeners out there can relate to it.

We started fostering a little boy.

We're actually about a week and a half in, and it's been definitely a whirlwind.

You know, just as those transitions are, he's going to be four in May, and so, you know, he's had three previous foster families, but we're going to be his forever home, and we just love him already.

He feels like our son, but, you know, it's introducing into the mix, like, a whole, you know, a whole new thing.

And my kids have been acting up, because they're like, wait a minute, who's this kid calling my mom mom?

Which it is, I love that he's already calling me mama, which is so precious.

But, you know, my kids are finding that hard at times.

They're like, who is this guy just coming in?

And, you know, and then just different behaviors that arise, you know, from his past, and it can be understandable, the different traumas that he's gone through.

And so we're, like, navigating all of that.

And I won't lie, this last week has felt a little bit like my husband and I are like, they're like, oh, my goodness, we feel like we're on a roller coaster.

And so, you know, I've definitely, and I felt like at the beginning of this year, when we knew this little boy was coming to us, I felt like the Lord speak to me about making space for self care for myself, and then also like simplifying things around our house.

And so I really have been prioritizing, like getting exercise, and I have like kind of committed to like, okay, I need this to have the head space to be able to just take care of things like in our home and to take care of the kids and to be patient.

Like I need like next level patience in this season.

I've realized, and I'm a patient person, but I'm like, oh, I need a whole new level of grace of patience.

And I've been learning that very quickly.

But, you know, so for me, I went ahead and got a gym membership again, just signed up for it yesterday because I just realized like I was doing home workouts for the last while, but I was like, you know what?

I actually need that change of scenery.

And so we're working it out between my husband and I.

We're both realizing we just need that space to get away.

And we're also going to use it, honestly, as our date nights to go to the gym because there's a sauna and a hot tub there.

So I was like, you know what?

It's not the gym's a mile away from our house.

We'll get a babysitter, and that'll be our date nights is just going and doing that.

And so we're just realizing to fuel ourselves for this season.

We both need to be proactive about what we're eating because that's going to either energize us or drain us.

And we already have our energy being drained by four little kids in lots of ways.

And so it's like looking at this season of like, okay, we really need to empower ourselves by what we eat, how much we sleep, all those things.

The sleep thing too for us is a little bit hard.

I'm up a little bit just with our new little guy, but he's transitioning and adjusting actually really well.

But he's just waking up at times just a little upset, which is hard to deal with.

But so there's some uncontrollable factors in seasons and just realizing like, okay, so this is what cards I'm dealt right now.

How do I work with those to make the best outcome for myself and for others around me?

So yeah, I don't know if anyone out there can relate to that, but I just have so much respect for people who are in the foster industry, and it's not easy work, but it's beautiful work.

And yeah, I just want to share some of those tidbits for Grace in the season of if you can relate to that fostering journey.

Yeah.

Like you're getting to know him and his personalities, and likes, dislikes, and how it all meshes with all six of you guys.

And so you're formulating a new normal.

So yeah, like Kelsey was saying, like the first week was really challenging for them, like having a family member.

So sometimes it just takes time, and it sounds like, yeah, that perspective that you're having of like, okay, Grace, and this is what I need, and this is my husband needs, and this is what my kids need, just taking it one day at a time.

Yes, and finding those new family rhythms and stuff.

Like so, and actually asking for help has been a big one.

You know, I think a lot of times as moms, so we just think like, okay, I need to prove my worth in the world by being strong enough and not asking for help.

And it's kind of like, that's how we almost measure our productivity, by how much we don't ask for help.

And I just, that was another thing that the Lord was challenging me on this year, like coming up to this little boy joining us, is like, he's like, you need to ask for more help.

And so ways that I've practically been doing that is like, I called up one of the girl's friends the other day.

It was like a particularly hard day.

I knew the kids were having a hard time with different behaviors that this little boy was having.

And so I just called my friend.

I said, hey, could you take the girls for an afternoon?

I just know that they need a little break.

They need some friend time.

And my friend was more than happy to like help out.

And she actually loved that I asked for her help.

And so the girls went, and then everybody was just more chill.

They came back filled up from playing with their friends.

I even got to just go to a store and just walk around and just like look at things and just be mindless for a little bit.

And so it just like taking that little step to ask for help, I think is so important in these hard seasons.

And it's not saying that you're any less.

It's actually, it's like an empowering thing to ask for help.

And so that can be a way of self-care, is if you realize you're trying to take the world on your shoulders, but you need to learn to let go a little bit.

I just think that's something very important that I've been learning.

I feel like I can relate to that too.

I mean, we're not fostering.

We don't have a newborn, but I feel like we're in a busier season.

And there's a lot of changes even in global health and my work.

And there's been a lot of like early morning international meetings that I've had to attend where it's like, oh, it's cutting into my sleep.

And the other day we had such a hard day and it was like, my husband and I were just like, we need to go for a walk.

But usually we invite our family and we're like, we need to go kid free and just like walk and process the day.

So we asked somebody like, can you watch our boys?

Like, we're just going to go for an hour walk and just like decompress and like process the day and figure things out.

And it was so refreshing.

And it was just like, we needed that pause, but also that time together.

And it's not selfish to do that.

Like you have to take care of yourself so that you can be healthy to take care of your kids.

Like physically and emotionally.

And it was just like, okay, we've got to ask for help and we can do this.

I feel like I relate to that, Kathleen.

And I love how you said like, you took an hour and you knew what you needed to process to be able to move forward.

Sometimes it's just slowing down that pace, right?

You're like, okay, an hour.

But if I spent 30 minutes walking and 30 minutes doing, then I could get this and this done.

And I think that's like going against that cultural norm of being like, hey, I'm going to value my marriage and I'm going to like realize I need this to be able to process these bigger life things and like ease into this transition and hear from the Lord.

And so I think it, yeah, that's really admirable.

Admirable that you're like, okay, this is like needed space.

It's just as valuable as any other thing.

Yeah.

Kathleen, you know, I really wanted you to...

I'm putting you on the spot totally, but I really wanted you in this episode to just pray over moms out there, and even over us, and just like releasing grace over people.

I feel like there's something powerful in that and just speaking that over others.

So I don't know if you want to do that now or later or when, but I just would love for you to do that in this episode.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, I would love to do that.

I really quick just wanted to share a verse.

Both Christiana and I had shared this, I think, in the past episode of just one of the kind of core values is having like the verse 1st Corinthians 13, 4-7, like up on our walls of like what love is.

And with today's episode about self-love, I've just been thinking about how Matthew 22, 39 says, love others as you love yourself.

And so that really is the essence of self-love, but it comes, our self-care, but it comes from God, you know?

And so to understand, to see ourselves as God sees us, that's where everything starts, and that's where everything flows from.

And so then when I was thinking about that verse, we were talking about 1st Corinthians 13, 4-7, taking each one of these things and applying it to yourself.

Like we apply it to others, but like, I'll just read it.

And so it says, Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It does not envy.

It does not boast.

It is not proud.

It does not dishonor others.

It is not self-seeking.

It is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.

And I just think if we apply each and every one of those truths to ourselves, like, is my love towards myself patient?

Is my love towards myself kind?

And if we think of it, like, maybe if it isn't kind towards ourselves, asking God, God, would you reframe how I love myself so that I can love others from a pure place?

And so I just want to encourage mamas in that, you know, we pour out so much all day, and it can be exhausting, it can be tiring, and it can be hard, especially when the world doesn't value things that we value, that God values.

And so, you know, I think it's so important, this idea of self care is like asking God, Lord, would you either restore or renew the way I see myself?

Would you show me how you see me so that I can see others more clearly, including our kids, which can be very challenging at times when they're having those behaviors that you're like, ah, I didn't raise you to do this.

So I would love to pray, but did anybody want to share anything else on that just before we just pray?

I would just want to say to other moms, I feel like we've got a lot of you guys who are maybe raising young ones, but some of you might be in that sandwich situation where you're also caring for parents who are aging.

That's definitely something that's entered our life earlier than expected and has been something we've been working through, particularly my husband's family for the past two years.

But finding what grace is in that transition and that season to honor your parents and love your parents well, and just show that respect to them too.

I would just encourage you guys, like it is challenging to go between those things, but modeling that to your kids, prioritizing that, carving out time, whether it's monthly, weekly, daily.

I would just encourage you guys, that it's not easy, and sometimes things have to get stripped away to add new family members in or care for people in ways that they haven't been cared for in the past.

But just encouragement that it's possible, but it's going back and resetting and saying, hey, what really is essential and what are those core family values?

And where do we need to maybe make some adjustments?

So I just wanted to make sure to speak to that side too, as we're all continuing this process of trying to love others well at all ages of the spectrum.

Yeah.

And I just wanted to add a word of encouragement.

I feel like we live in such a culture where you might want to be like other people or have schedules like other people or see moms who do all the sports with their kids, and to just have freedom to step away from that.

And it's okay if your family rhythms look different than everyone else's.

Actually, they probably should.

Your family is unique and has different needs, and it's okay to make your own path in that and to not look like everybody else.

So I just want moms to feel freedom in that, to just have rhythms for your own family that maybe look different.

Okay.

I'm going to toss one more thing in off that too.

Yeah.

I think that involves saying no more.

And I think sometimes we have a hard time saying no, but really every time you say no, you're saying yes to something else.

So you have to really know what your priorities are as a family and what you're capable of or not capable of in the season that you're in, and it's completely fine to say no.

And just kind of expect people not to get that.

Like expect people not to understand that.

And that's okay.

Let them, like just let them.

It's all right to not make everybody happy and maybe even make your extended family happy.

Like it's about serving God and serving your spouse and making sure you're giving yourself grace to take care of yourself, but also taking care of your kids.

Like that's a lot.

It's a lot of stuff to handle and juggle.

And maybe saying no sounds really scary to you.

And I think all of us could say, yeah, I've been scared to say no at times.

But I think I've really seen God work through saying no to things and just stepping back from things and taking the time that you need to...

I'm just thinking of very early postpartum for me, like saying no to hosting stuff.

We love to host people, but I knew that I was not in a place to do that, so we're not going to do that right now.

And we're going to say no to maybe having people come over, or unless they're dropping off a meal, or coming over to do dishes for me, like I'm not inviting you over to my house.

So...

And I think we maybe...

I don't know, I actually started writing my future grandmother self a note on my computer the other day because I'm like, I think I'm going to forget this stuff.

Like, I don't think I'm going to remember what it's like to be a mom of a newborn again, like when I'm, I don't know, 60, 70 years old.

Like, I'm probably not going to remember what it's like to be, you know, up every three hours and trying to care for older kids and really doing all of that stuff.

So I think just be encouraged, like, pray about it, talk to your spouse about it, but be encouraged that it's okay to say no.

And it's also okay if other people don't get it.

Like, as long as you feel like that's what God is calling you and your family, too, and it lines up with what scripture says, like, it's a good no to get.

Yeah, I feel like even with that, like, it's okay to say no to good things.

Yes, it's okay to say no to promotions.

It's okay to say no to, like, your kids getting, like, moved up in sports.

Like, if you don't want to make that commitment, like, it's okay to say no to good things.

Yeah, yeah, I love that.

It's you'll have to say no to good things.

So yes, such a good point.

Well, one other thing I wanted to bring up is because, you know, we oftentimes just face mom guilt with things.

And just this idea of self-care, I feel like sometimes there's a negative, there can be a negative narrative of, like, at least in our own heads, taking time for yourself.

And it's like, you know, like, oh, no, you should be doing this for your kids.

Or, you know, I see it a lot on social media and stuff, like different moms who maybe are like runners or something, and then people have made them feel bad, like, oh, your kids shouldn't be in the stroller.

They should be free to run.

Why are you doing that?

And it's like, you know, like you were saying, Kelsey, it's like you have to let people make their judgments when you are the only one who knows everything that's going on in your life.

And just realizing that, yeah, we live for an audience of one before the Lord.

But just that idea that, like, self-care is not like selfishness.

I think there has been seasons in my life when I have felt like it was hard to let go of the previous season.

And so I almost held on to entitlement in the next season where I was like, I should be allowed to do this.

And so the Lord had to deal with my heart and that.

But I think we need to let go of the guilt that taking care of yourself is selfish because it's not.

So I don't know, do you ladies have any thoughts on that or maybe how you've journeyed any guilt over decisions like that?

Maybe you did have to say no to your child moving up in sports or do any of you ladies have any examples of that of how you worked through feelings of guilt because it was against culture, but yet you knew it was either just taking care of the family dynamic or anybody have, sorry, I'm putting us on the spot, but I just wondered if we did, anybody?

I'm not so sure if we don't.

No, I was gonna say, I think I'll just echo that, that I think that is a real thing, that moms feel guilty for things, and it's almost like a shaming thing in culture, right, to prioritize yourself.

But I feel like there's those extremes, right, where there's the moms that really do only care about themselves and like want all the things, and then it's like, well, I don't want to be in that category, but you need to like take care of myself.

So yeah, I feel like there can be a shame that comes with that.

And yeah, and Kelsey had to go.

So we could wrap it up now, Kathleen, if you just want to pray for us.

Sure, I'll go ahead and pray.

Yeah, yeah.

I think this is just all really good food for thought, you know, as we consider how we can care for ourselves.

Like, I hope that mom is out there, just got a tidbit of advice that encourages you.

But let me just pray and just invite the Holy Spirit to come meet you this week where you're at, and keep the one, keep God with us, and he can lead you and show you, yeah, how to grow in this.

So yeah, so Father God, we just thank you so much for each and every mama listening.

I pray right now that your peace would come rest upon them.

Wherever they are feeling tired or weary, Lord, would you meet them?

You say that you walk gently with those with young, with kids, Lord Jesus.

And so Lord, I just pray right now that you would minister to their heart, to their mind, their body, their soul.

Lord, that you would come speak and bring solutions where they feel stuck.

Would you come and minister to the moms and show them how you see them, so that they can love others from that full well within them.

And so Father, I just pray that you would just release your goodness over each and every mama listening now, that she would have grace for herself, that she would feel your grace come upon her right now, and be renewed with strength for all of the tasks before her.

And I just pray that now, in your name, Jesus, amen.

Amen.

Well, mamas, thank you so much for listening today.

Be blessed this week, and we're so glad you tuned in today.

We'll see you next time.

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