Episode 9: Family Rhythms Part 1

Welcome to the Beauty of Better Podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and faith.

Hey, mamas, we're so excited to share with you this week.

We're going to start a series kind of talking about family rhythms and values.

So today is going to be the kind of the foundational piece talking about family mission statements, kind of our core values that have formed through just time and prayer and just some different ways that we've done that individually in our family.

And then next week, we'll follow up on some more practical tips with that.

But we're just kind of excited to share how we've journeyed through this and our process and get to just share our experience with you.

Yeah, we're just so excited about this topic.

If you guys hear any rain in the background, it's like a lashing rain here, but we're so thankful for it here in Southern California.

We really needed that, so it is a blessing.

But if you hear that, that's why.

But yeah, this is just something that is really dear to our hearts, because when you look at what is the spiritual foundation in our home, that kind of sets up everything else that we do in our families.

And so I just want to share a little bit.

So for my husband and I, when we first started dating and we got to know each other a bit more, we both realized that we had this kind of familiar or similar kind of wanting to be learners for life.

And kind of this like quote both stood out to both of us.

We met at a place called Bethel in Northern California, and one of the pastors there, he said this quote, it said, the learners inherit the earth while the learned become beautifully prepared for a world that no longer exists.

And what that really spoke to us is just like, we're called to be followers of Jesus.

And so that's opening ourselves up to his voice, no matter where that calls us to, he often calls us to lay down things that we're serving us before and then aren't serving us into where he's calling us to go.

And so we both kind of took on this kind of, we're going to be learners for life, going forth in our relationship, and kind of what that's looked like for us, it's looked like a life of surrender.

Before we had kids, we were open to, okay, God, what jobs are you wanting us to do?

Where are you sending us?

Keeping our hearts open to what the Lord was speaking to us, and really just being led by his voice.

And then come kids, that just didn't change.

And we actually, we moved here to Southern California.

It was October 2019.

And that was just following the voice of the Lord.

We felt peace that God was calling us to move to this place.

And in a lot of ways, it didn't make any sense because we had, my husband's one of seven, he has this big Irish family.

They're amazing, love them.

But they live in each other's pockets, and they have that phrase.

And it just means that everyone's around all the time.

It's just great family community there.

So it didn't really make sense that like, why would you leave all that to go live somewhere where like, my family's all in the Midwest in America.

So that's where I grew up.

So not even my family is like close to us here in Southern California.

So in a lot of ways, it was like, why would you do that?

But we chose early on, that's like one of our core values is going to live in surrender to the Lord, whether it makes sense or not.

And so my husband even wrote letters to our daughters, and we haven't read them to them yet.

We are kind of just waiting for like the right time to share those with them when they were old enough to understand like, why did we move away from all of our family in Ireland?

Like, why did we make this leap over here?

And yeah, because we want them to understand the process in that and why we chose that for our family and that we are a family who lives in surrender, no matter the cost.

That's what we choose when we follow Christ.

And so, yeah, that's something that's been a real core value for us, is living in surrender to Jesus.

But another, just a couple other things alongside that, as we're sharing these kind of core values, and maybe some of you have never even thought to have the core value for your family, or even this idea of a mission statement, but sometimes writing these things down, like whether you're a single mom or a single, yeah, whether you're a single parent or you're married, it's important to kind of write down, like, you know, to have visions set before you so that you're not just like wandering here and there.

And so just praying and asking the Lord, okay, what are things that are important to you for my family?

And would you speak to me in those?

And he will.

He'll speak and he'll guide in that.

You know, another thing that, well, so my husband and I, individually, what we've brought to our marriage, I definitely like have been more like evangelical minded kind of, you know, I always just had a heart for kind of the lost and just seeking out those who just want to be put in families.

And so anyway, practically what I've done with my kids, it's like whenever we're out at the park or at the grocery store, I'm just like praying and asking God, okay, is there one person today that I can reach out to?

Just ask them if they need prayer.

I usually just start with that.

I pray and I feel like God highlights someone, and then I go up to them with my kids, and we say, is there anything that you could use prayer for?

I'm teaching my kids to think of others.

And so is there anything you could use prayer for?

And also kids are a great icebreaker.

So oftentimes, you know, people are less threatened when you have kids with you.

So, you know, people will open up about, like, the deepest things.

And you'd be surprised how much, you know, we just take that leap and just ask somebody, like, then people just open up about things, and their guard goes down with kids, too.

And so, and I always incorporate my kids in that.

I have them pray.

And I mean, I always ask my kids, I was like, do you want to pray with me?

And sometimes they do.

Sometimes they're like, no, they're like too shy.

But then other times, like they do, they'll, like, put their hand on the person's shoulder, or they'll even pray themselves.

And so that's just like a practical way of, like, walking out, like, a core value of something that's important to me, but wanting to train up my kids in that.

And then something for you.

I love that you take your kids and, like, share that with them.

And just I feel like people are so isolated and that conversations don't happen normally.

And so to be able to introduce that and, like, invite people in, like, people are longing for that.

And then kids are just so welcoming.

I love that.

Sorry.

Thank you.

No, I'm glad you, yeah, stepped in there because, yeah, it's true.

And honestly, like, I was a really shy kid.

So this feels like it's something that God has formed in my life over time.

Like, I wasn't a naturally extrovert.

And to be honest, I'm still not extrovert, but it's like the strength of God in me that he has produced this love for just, like, taking that step and, you know, reaching out to people.

And especially, like, like you said, Danielle, and just like post-COVID, like, people are often a little bit more insular.

And so you don't know what's actually going on in someone's life.

So just to take that step and reach out and just to ask people about their world, you actually see how hungry people are for connection.

But...

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Do you have, like...

So I'm trying to listen, because, you know, we haven't heard each other's values and mission statements or anything.

So this is the first time.

And so you said Lerner was one, which I loved, and then Surrender.

With this one, with like going up to people, do you feel like it's loving others?

Or do you feel like it's evangelism?

Or do you feel like it's prayer?

Like, do you have a word that you've named this value?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, that's that's probably good.

Well, to be honest, like, it probably is like, I don't know, I should.

I actually need to put a word to it.

But, you know, I think when I've seen how, like, just, you know, part of my testimony is just feeling like God reached out to me when I felt unseen and unheard at times in my life, and seeing how the Holy Spirit discipled me in those seasons, I think he's created in me like, like, you're going to now do this.

Yeah, that outreach, like, you're going to do this, like, where, yeah, the loss becomes found, and then you be the one that goes and finds the lost.

And I'll just share a little aside.

So, like, my daughter, Evelyn, she's always been a magpie, like, we'll go to the parks, and she, like, finds, like, amazing little things, like, all over the park.

And I'm like, Evie, you're a treasure hunter.

And as I said, I kind of just felt like, I was like, you know what, actually, I think that's true, like, in the spiritual, like, realm as well.

And I said to her, Evie, I feel like you see things in people that they don't always see.

And that Sunday at church, she had an encounter with one of the team leaders in her classroom, where this gal, she always felt bad that she just, like, cried all the time.

And then someone was sharing a story about how when they feel God's presence, they cry a lot.

And Evie pointed to her teacher, and she said, that's you.

And her teacher was, like, just started crying again, because she was like, I have felt bad my whole life, that, like, why do I cry so easy?

And just felt weak for doing that.

And Evelyn just, in that moment, little six-year-old pointed to her and was like, that's who you are.

Like, you know, you didn't feel seen in that.

You didn't feel like you belonged, but, like, that's who you are.

And so I was like, Evie, you are the treasure hunter.

And you've just seen the treasure in people.

So it's, I don't know how I got to that aside.

But I just, yeah, it's just learning to teach your kids the things that God speaks over you.

And then just how do we walk that out, like, practically in our everyday life?

So, yeah, I would say it is just looking at, yeah, I guess that would be the tip.

It's like, so for me, it's like God sought me out, and then that's become my heart for seeking those who feel unseen.

So, yeah, and I guess I'm teaching my kids to do the same, but...

I was gonna be my question for you.

I was like, oh, how are your kids already doing that, right?

Like, where do you see them modeling?

Because, yeah, Six is still young, but like they mimic so much.

So that's just excited to see how God's gonna continue to grow her and her own gifting, and like how he's using that unique experiences.

So, yeah.

Oh, well, I think, you know, I was a preschool pastor for three years when we first moved here at our church, and God just really taught me about seeing the gold in people and in kids.

So learning to, yeah, and I encourage moms out there just to pray and say, God, would you show me the gifts that you have put on my kids so that I can steward that?

And it's gonna look different, you know, for each kid.

But I think that would be a tip that I would give to mamas is just praying and just saying, God, would you give me eyes to see my kids the way you see them, so that I can start encouraging that and fostering that in our home.

Yeah.

That's so good.

I'll jump in and I'll just share like our list we have.

I know some of us have mission statements.

I think Kelsey has a mission statement.

Cristiana, you have a mission statement, I think.

Yeah.

We don't have a mission statement.

We have family values.

And I feel like we're in a very interesting season because our kids are getting older, so our oldest is almost 16.

And so it's to the point now where we felt like we've got to revise these, not lose our initial core values that we had, right?

But incorporate our kids in it more, where they have ownership of it too, and just like set the standard of this is our family, and this is why we have these values.

So we actually had these conversations, I don't know, maybe a couple of months ago, and we actually revised our mission and vision and goals and everything.

And so the values that came out of that are, I think we landed on six.

So I'll just share what those six are and then how we incorporate them as a family and what we look for, and what we try to avoid.

So our first one is kindness slash generosity.

We felt like we were getting too many, so like some are grouped together.

But just we want to obviously be kind to people, reach out to people, be generous with what we have.

And we use our core values when we parent.

So when our boys are in trouble for something, we just have a conversation like, well, what value did that violate?

And so if the boys are fighting, it's like, well, you're fighting.

We know you shouldn't be fighting, so what family value are you violating?

And it's kindness, like you're not being kind to each other right now.

And so we try to tie everything back to these six values so that they can see we promote them, and then this is how we break them, right?

The second one we have is family time.

And I loved that they wanted to incorporate that one just because I feel like it's so easy to get so busy.

I mean, we're all so busy, right?

And then when you add three different school schedules and then multiple work schedules, it's like, when do we see each other?

But we value family time, so every day we have to have family time.

And usually that's at dinner, and then usually we spend dinner talking about our family values and how did we either promote them or need help in them.

The next one we have is purity.

And with that one, we just talk with our boys about that a lot and just how do we protect our eyes and our ears and our hearts and our mouths and our words building other people up, or are they tearing them down?

And we are in this new season with our oldest where we're watching movies a lot at night, like every night before bed, like we'll watch a little bit of a movie together.

And we always look at like, well, what is it rated and why is it rated that way?

And how are we protecting our eyes and our ears and our hearts?

And so this purity value comes in with that.

And even with things at school, like choosing what you look at or don't look at with friends, always ties back to our purity value.

And then we have health as a value.

I feel like, how can I be a professor of public health and not have health as a value?

But I mean, that's really looking at like, are we exercising?

Are we eating our fruits and vegetables?

So we'll just go around the dinner table and say like, how did you choose health today?

Like that's one of our values.

The boys will be like, I had a fruit smoothie, or I walked around the park, or I don't know, just like simple things.

Our next one, which Kathleen, we have this in common, is learning.

Just a love for learning and just, it's not about like school and getting perfect grades, but it's about like, are you continuing to learn things?

Like in your character, in school, but like, are you trying your hardest?

Like, not are you getting straight A's?

But like, are you really just putting everything into learning and growing as a person?

And we'll get into next week's episode with just like how we use these to determine our schedules, but that one has a lot to do with ours.

And then our last one is God.

So just, it's usually we call it God slash worship.

So like, how did you honor God today?

Or how did you worship today?

And that's like, you know, our daily devotions that we have together or separately, and praying together or writing worship songs.

I feel like we've got a lot of songwriters in our family.

We do.

So yeah, a lot of it's like around that.

But yeah, we just have those.

So kindness, family time, purity, health, learning, and God.

And those are our six values.

And so we try to promote those every day and then just talk about them as a family when we're meeting our family time value, right?

At dinner.

Yeah.

I love that.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

I was just saying, it's exciting that it's like a regular conversation that you have with your boys because I think I'm not quite at that stage with ours yet.

We're getting closer to that, but ours feels like it's not as frequent.

So I'm like, that's kind of encouraging that it's that regular conversation that you're building in.

And it's like setting that in their head of like, hey, I have reasons why we're doing this.

It's not rules.

There's like values, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that so much.

Danielle, thank you for just sharing that.

I feel like I was so excited for this episode, because I'm like, I'm taking all the notes, because I'm like wanting to learn, because both of you are like one step up from where I'm at.

I'm still at the like, please eat the food stage of my life.

I still have those moments too.

Oh, cool.

I'm not the only one.

We actually had a really fun moment earlier this week.

My oldest son had a friend over for dinner from school, and he's like not a Christian or anything, and he just like came and sat around our table.

And, you know, when people come, it's like you're joining our family.

Like, we're not going to change our routines because you're here.

And so Joey was like, okay, guys, we're going to go around the table and talk about our family values.

And so he totally put, he's awkward like this sometimes, but he put his friend on the spot, and was like, so, how did you choose health today?

How did you choose purity today?

How did you choose kindness today?

And we went through the list, and like all of our boys answered too.

But then my oldest son Brandon told me that when he went to school, the next day, that when they were at lunch, his friends started asking all of his other friends, like, how are you choosing health today?

And how are you choosing learning today?

And he went to the Jesus Club with him at school.

And I was just like, wow, this is like...

Because I don't think he has those rhythms in his home.

And so just to like, that model, but like, and I know he was probably doing it in a funny way at school, like asking everybody about family values, but it was still like he noticed, like and he took note and they were having conversations about it.

So I just loved that.

Yes, that's amazing.

Well, I can testify to that being in high school, I had my best friend, every time we spent the night at her house, her mom got us up at 6 a.m.

for a Bible study.

And at the time, like my friend was just like, like all of the all of their kids were like, why do you have to do this?

We have friends over.

I mean, but I used to love it.

I used to, you know, I was having a hard family just situation at that time.

And it felt like, this is something like safe and consistent nurturing.

And I was being fed something that I was like, this tastes good.

I want more of it.

And yeah, so it's like that does like things like that, like people sticking to their family rhythms, despite other kids coming in who may or may not know Jesus, like it can mean the world to another kid.

So I love that you did that.

That's awesome.

Christiana, I want to hear your mission statement.

So our mission statement, we started like formally writing when we had a six-month-old.

Our first six-month-old, we have four.

Our oldest is currently 12, 12 and a half, if you'd ask her, and our youngest is six and a half.

Those half years are important at this age.

They are.

And so Ellis and I had been married for probably about three years, dated four years prior to that.

So like at least seven years of our relationship.

And a lot of things that attracted us to one another were the commonality and the values.

And so we were challenged in becoming young parents to actually kind of more formalize, write down like kind of like how we want to raise our children.

And then when we presented our kids at church to be dedicated, that we shared that with our church community to have them hold us to that standard.

So that we have accountability in that, right?

So that's kind of what started it.

And then, yeah, we can talk about how it goes from there.

So I won't read the whole thing, but I've pulled out a couple of things.

But it starts with loving God and loving others well.

So that's stemming from like 1 Corinthians 13.

We actually in our house have that verse, well, a couple of series of verses printed out in the main walkway between all of our bedrooms.

And so when we walk by that, it's like, are we, like love is kind, love is gentle, love is patient.

It has self-control.

And we have that constant reminder as we're walking of like, am I being loving?

And by being filled with the Holy Spirit, having God dwelling within me, that should flow out into my actions with others.

So that's kind of how it started.

And then it says, living life characterized by generosity and service.

So one thing that Ellis and I enjoy doing together, and we always from the beginning of our relationship wanted our kids to be involved in is having both service and generosity.

And this is like different in different seasons.

I think when we were first married, we were going once a month down and working in a health clinic in a different country, and translating and working there.

There's been other times where we've served our family who's had different health issues or different losses and helping family members that have been either older or younger, and just walk beside some grieving and challenges with that.

It can be like serving our church community, and different things that are going on within our small group, and like helping minister those families.

And then recently, our kids are involved with some extracurricular activities.

Really, our mission field has a lot been those families on those teams, and just sharing Jesus, and what that looks like to live a life for him with those people as well.

And then generosity service, and then the next part says, continuously seek God's directions in all decisions and be obedient to him.

So it's like, we can seek him, but we could also be like Jonah, and just say, okay, great, you're telling me to do this, but I really don't want to do that, God.

No, thank you.

I'm okay, but I'm going to stay in my comfort zone.

So there was a season in our life where my husband was choosing to go back to college for a doctorate degree, and we actually had only been married for a short period of time, but we felt God was saying, hey, we don't want you to stay in this house that you're renting, we want you to go move in with your in-laws.

So we spent three years living with them, and so that was service, but also being obedient when maybe we wanted a little bit more independence, but it's one of the richest seasons that we've been through, and caused a lot of growth.

I think that ties to a value of we do have this kind of growth mindset in our home, of it's not just the product, it's the process.

So embracing, hey God, you know what the product is in the end, so help guide me through this process because I don't always clearly see that.

And then, I've got just a couple more little things, notes on this.

The next piece of the mission statement says to model God's character and word and action, right?

So if we're seeking him, our actions should flow from that.

If we're really loving people, our actions should flow from that.

And then this makes me think of a Bible study that I took that was really transformational.

We read through this book called In His Image, and it talked about God's character and just did deep dives into scripture about who God is, and if we know that is our God and we're supposed to model his character, then how should we be?

And so some of the chapters were holy, loving, good, just, merciful, gracious, faithful, patient, truthful, and wise.

And it feels Herculean to think, how can I do those things and model your character?

But it really is those small steps of in the moment or in this decision.

And I think that ties into the last piece of our mission statement that says growing in our relationship with him daily.

And that looks through humility of saying, I didn't do well in modeling this, like will you forgive me?

And spending time in the word and initiating our day.

A lot of times we've been putting on worship music as we're getting out of bed and we've got some morning people and some not so much morning people at our house.

So that helps be like, okay, take that deep breath.

Like we're starting our day.

Just being in the word helps too of like having us on those rails and then being in community where we can call out like those things in others as we see that and just challenge one another to like live according to this.

We have that strong sense like of desire to steward.

A lot that comes up a lot in our prayer time of like, we want to steward things well and we want to be responsible with these things God's entrusted us with.

And so this is kind of where we started.

We're starting to engage our kids more in the conversation of what does that look like now.

And but yeah, that's kind of have been our main things that at least my husband and I have ever since we were just started dating felt like, even as a kid, I feel like that verse for first Corinthians stood out to me is like, this is like what God is telling me I need to do.

Like I need to love people well.

And we all fall short, right?

But like it's recognizing like that's our goal.

We set the higher goal.

You don't set the lower goal, right?

And then we work towards that.

It was just moment by moment, day by day, just trying to do our best with that.

So.

We have that same verse.

It's over because we have one of those like murky water filters, and so I have to fill it several times a day.

And it's like it's on just a framed print right there.

And I use it too with my kids, like if they're fighting and or like hurting each other, I was like, okay, is your love kind right now?

And they're like, I can say no.

It's just like I point to the picture.

And but it is helpful.

You know, it's helpful to have like verses like that, that are like, that show us like, this is what God's character in us should look like.

But I think that's so good to Christian that you model like, you know, that we model as parents when we haven't been acting Christ-like, and you know, teaching our kids and that how to respond when they are not acting kind and so, so important.

But I just love that.

I love hearing each of you ladies different, you know, things that you do with your family.

And I think just for anyone listening out there, just be encouraged that, you know, it starts with these just little steps.

And sometimes it is in just listening to conversations like this and like, oh, I maybe never thought about that before of like, what is my mission statement or core values.

But now you can take this tidbit going forward and maybe write some ideas down.

And maybe you're listening to this and maybe you're not even a parent yet and maybe think through like, okay, what are the things that feel natural to me as just a person and that I would want to carry on in the legacy with my kids down the line or just with your spouse.

But did any of you ladies have anything else that you wanted to share on this topic before we wrap it up?

I was just thinking more about what Danielle was saying too, about the concepts of health and some of the broadening of Beyond Spiritual.

Because in our mind, we started with that, but when we brought it up with our kids recently, they're like, oh, we value having time together as a family, and we value exercise and eating healthy.

And I'm like, those didn't connect the dots until I really heard you.

I was like, oh, okay.

Kind of expanding the spiritual is beyond.

Yeah, the practical is important, especially when you're connecting the dots for your kids of like, hey, if we're going to be good stewards, that means taking care of our bodies, right?

Our body is a temple.

Yeah, exactly.

So our kids are seeing those pieces, which I was like, oh, okay.

It's helpful to hear from you guys.

Well, I feel like, Cristiana, when I was hearing you talk about your mission statement, I feel like this summer, I got to just see you and Ellis in the Philippines with us and just serving.

And I feel like now hearing your mission statement, I can see so much of that coming out in your service and serving others and even the hard decisions you guys made about going and leaving your kids for the first time, but then modeling that to your kids where it's like, we're going to go do something hard and we're going to help people and serve people and love people because that's what God's calling us to do right now and modeling that for them.

And I just feel like, man, I love your mission statement and I love seeing that come out of you.

So yeah, that was a very special time.

What our oldest is actually named after someone we met on a missions trip who I just feel like embodies the joy of the Lord.

I feel like, you know, God has given us not just to serve ourselves, but to definitely serve others.

And so, yeah, and hopefully someday our kids will get to partake in that as they are strong and enough to take on what God pushes them into with different things like that too.

So yeah, sometimes you're pushed and sometimes you're pulled.

It will be interesting.

All of our kids have different personalities.

So I see some that will jump right into the deep end and some that might be a little more hesitant.

But I think that's the beauty of this is like hearing that we're not all in the same spot and how we serve and what we would pick.

But just that faithfulness and obedience to follow that call and give space and buffer just to listen and hear where God wants our families to be.

And adapting.

Even adapting, like come up with your core, but also it can evolve over time, especially as your kids can become more involved in the conversation.

Yeah, I was going to say that.

A good friend of mine, she is actually a mom of 10.

And I know she's amazing.

But she always has encouraged me.

She's like, you're going to have to make these little course corrections over time.

Generally, you're going one way, but you're going to have to do these little course corrections here and there and to get back on track.

And so, yeah, like you said, Danielle, it's like realizing, though, that the seasons change.

And so, readdressing, like, OK, how does this look in this season right now?

And at least in the next podcast, we'll give some more like practical tips of how we actually go about this in our day to day.

But today, we just wanted to focus on these kind of just these foundations and the core values and mission statements behind them.

So thank you, ladies, so much for joining in today.

And we'll see you next time.

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