Episode 30: Relationships part 5 (Transitions)

Welcome to the Beauty of Better podcast, where we help moms thrive in health and faith.

Hi there, mamas.

We're so glad that you've joined us again today on the Beauty of Better podcast.

So today, you know, we've been in this series about just relationships and talking about, you know, our relationships with our spouse and how the health of that, you know, really affects our overall health.

And so today, as we kind of wrap up this series for this month, we're going to just be talking about that transition into the new year, you know, with the school year starting here, and how you can really just kind of connect with your spouse, kind of maybe resetting some family rhythms after a busy summer when a lot of our routines and schedules are kind of really different in the summer.

So coming together and making sure that you're on the same page with your spouse, creating those, you know, what are your expectations, also how do you share your different responsibilities coming into the school year.

And so we're just going to share kind of what we do in our families and we hope you can get some tips from what we share.

So maybe Danielle, do you want to share kind of how you and your husband navigate this transition?

Sure.

Yeah.

I feel like this is such an important topic because even though it's the start of the school year, it's a transition.

And I feel like anytime there's a transition in marriage, like that's a moment that can either build you or break you, right?

Where it's just like you could either fight about it, or you could get on the same page about it.

And so for me, transitions are really important to be intentional about.

For us, our boys have a combination of schools.

They're all at three different schools and one is even homeschooled.

And so I feel like we're kind of all over the place with schedules.

So that's already hard for this transition season.

And then, you know, we're all working moms and our husbands work too.

So add that to the mix.

But I really feel like one of the important things for us is to just plan early.

And I think that's hard if you're not a natural planner, right?

If like planning isn't your language, maybe it's like creating a reminder in your calendar a month in advance or something.

So I've already started school shopping.

Like I finished that a week ago because I knew August was going to be crazy.

But we've just had intentional conversations again.

I feel like I say this in all the episodes.

But like just setting aside time to have conversations about what's good for our kids for school this year.

Is it home school?

Is it private school?

Is it public school?

And where are they going to be?

And what does that look like?

And so I feel like for us, it really comes down to a lot of those conversations of just intentional time together to figure that out.

So then we can know what does the calendar look like?

And then how do we plan our routines and rhythms for that?

Another thing that we have already started with school starting in a few weeks is implementing new rhythms with bedtime.

We try to do that early just to make sure the boys are prepped and ready for school to start.

And then we've also implemented electronic time cutbacks that we have during the school that we don't have during summer.

Just again, so that when that transition happens, we're flowing into it and prepared for it, as opposed to a big, abrupt change.

But all of those decisions have come from like Joey and I sitting down at night or on our walks and just like setting aside time to say, we're just going to talk about school right now, or we're just going to make a school decision right now.

So yeah, I feel like intentional time.

So I don't know who wants to go next.

Kelsey, you want to go?

Yeah, I agree.

I think that just kind of carving out time helping to have those discussions is really important.

Because our kids are younger, we only have one who's kind of like entering that school arena right now.

So we have actually decided that was best for our family this year is to do home school with him.

And yeah, we're really excited about it, but it's different from what we did last year.

But just with the big transition, I was moving from Southern California back to the Midwest, and all of the transitions with my husband's jobs, and my jobs, and just kind of thinking and praying about all of those things, it just kind of became clear that like this was going to be a better fit for our family this year.

And so we're really excited to try that out.

And I think I said this in the last episode, too, but it's just kind of like trying on clothes.

Like you try it on, and if it fits, and you like it, great.

You can keep it, and if it doesn't fit, then you can take it off and get something else that you, you know, think might fit better for your family in that season.

But I think it's just important to remember, too, that just because a friend or somebody else might be doing it a different way doesn't mean that it's better or worse if you are doing something that's not the same as them.

And I think as moms, and especially just as women in general, we can kind of tend to compare ourselves with others, and I think just kind of guarding our hearts against that, and taking the thoughts that we have captive, and just really like discussing that with our husbands before we say like, oh, I want to do this, or I want to do this.

But like, what does God really have for our family in this season?

And it's okay if other people don't agree with it or understand it.

And if you and your spouse are on the same page about it, and you feel like that's what God has brought you into for this season, then that's really what the most important thing is.

So, yeah, I hope that that can be an encouragement, as you know, as you're listening to this, and you're trying to do all these things with the working mom.

But I was thinking, too, we would use to talk about, like, okay, who's packing?

You know, who's going to be packing the lunches?

Who's, you know, even for me and my husband, like, who's taking care of that?

And, you know, our oldest son's lunch, like, who's handling that stuff?

Who's taking in the air?

Who's taking him up?

And just kind of having those conversations before the schedule gets too crazy.

We really rely on our shared calendar quite a bit, so.

Yeah, that's just a really helpful tool, I think.

Just making sure that everything is showing up the way you want it to, and because it's always accessible.

But I personally love to, like, write out things that I'm doing that day, even if it is on the calendar.

Every morning, I'll kind of, like, sit down and write out all of the things that I have coming up that day.

It just helps, like, clear my mind.

And I had kind of gotten out of the habit of that, and having moved, and I've started doing that again the past couple of days, and it's like just helped me feel a little bit more calm in the morning.

So, I think that's something that can be helpful to just in the craziness of, you know, juggling school and work and multiple schedules just to, like, if something pops into my head, I'm just going to write it down, and then I can, like, offload that mental piece and not have to think about it again or not worry about it.

I'm going to forget it.

So, yeah.

Oh, go ahead.

No, I was going to say, I can definitely relate to the needing to write things down.

I feel like if it's written down, then, like, it's more likely to happen than if it's like, oh, I need to remember this or, like, I verbally said it's like I have to, like, have both and have to have that written down.

So, definitely relate to that, Kelsey.

But what were you going to say?

Well, I was just going to share a little thought on, because, you know, I know that all of us have a similar, disbelief at that, you know, we listen to the Lord, and that is kind of year by year.

And as you said, Kelsey, it's like we try something on, like, as a couple, we discuss it, talk about, like, what works for this kid, what works for that kid.

And, you know, the way you bring that before the Lord is you come together as a couple, and you pray about it, and you, you know, God says he leads us by his peace.

And I was thinking about that verse this week, you know, there's so much in culture that tells us what we should do or don't do with your kids.

But, you know, the Lord doesn't give as the world gives.

So you may have temporary peace if you follow a cultural norm that doesn't actually fit your family or your kids or God's vision for your life.

And so but when God leads by his peace, you know, that's like a lasting peace.

And but then he might change that, you know, the next year and say, hey, what worked for this year doesn't work for the next year.

And so what we all have in common is that learning to hear the Lord's voice and and to, you know, to surrender our own what we think should be or what's maybe convenient or easy.

And I'm going to ask you, Christian, about that, because I know you have a unique scenario, too.

But I just wanted to share that to mama.

It's like if you're curious, like, what does that actually look like to to hear the Lord for your family and for your kids and what's right, especially with school?

You know, we felt specifically called to public school.

We lived just right down the road from this public school that I really felt the Lord speak to me about.

One day when I was, my kids were a little bit younger, and we were driving past the school, and I just felt the Holy Spirit just kind of speak to me about this school and, you know, us going there and being a people of influence there.

And so, and it worked out that, like, we didn't have a place.

We were looking for a place to rent around.

And, of course, like, within that week, a house down the street opened up, and it was just, you know, a god scenario where, you know, we got into this house.

And anyway, we have been really blessed going to this school and feel very cold there.

So that's where we feel peace.

We feel peace for our girls to be there still.

And sometimes, you know, we get backlash about that.

Like, people are like, what?

You have your kids in public school in California.

Like, how could you do that?

And especially because, you know, my husband's a pastor.

And so there's definitely, like, people have sometimes expectations of, like, what pastors' kids, like, they should just be in a private Christian school or, you know, anyway, if we listened to everyone else and all the other opinions, you know, we wouldn't follow what the Lord was speaking to us.

And, you know, once again, like we talked about in previous podcasts, we live for an audience of one.

So that's kind of how all of us, as we're sharing, we, you know, navigate, you know, you bring this with your spouse, you come before the Lord, you pray about it, and the Lord will lead you by your piece.

So, but Christiana, you want to share, because I know you have a unique scenario filling called to home school, but yet working outside the home.

And so, yeah, I'd love to hear from you.

Yeah, I think I would just echo the, like, we reassess every year.

And a lot of times it's just kind of like, God, you're really calling me this?

Really?

Like you, you're going to equip me?

You're going to provide, like, this is what you want for our kids?

Because I think some of the best things in life, you know, that we, I've experienced either in marriage or with my kids, have been some of the unexpected things we've been called into.

And so my kids did start at our local public school, and it was really great for a season of time.

But about five years ago, you know, we kind of wanted to try something different.

You know, COVID gave us an opportunity.

We were all home, and I'm like, I know how to educate, but I kind of educate older kids.

So let me just try this on my kids.

And they were young, and I just felt like, you know, we had that built relationship.

I'm like, they could watch a video on someone reading, or I could read to them.

Like, so like, let's just try this on for size.

And I felt that freedom to flounder and fail.

If it didn't work, like, we could easily change it.

So, but my kids actually fell in love with it, which I was surprised by, but also really blessed by.

So, our kids are in kind of a combination of programs with a charter and co-op and a couple other things.

And so, it takes some very strategic calendar management.

And my older two have grown fond of Google Calendar.

So, now we don't just have my husband and I on it, but the older two are like, oh, I'm gonna put this event on there.

And then when is my dentist appointment?

And so, that's helping.

We're trying to centralize that.

That's my goal in the next week.

I have idea of a system to centralize that a little bit more.

But so, they are in person two to three days a week, and then they're home the other days of the week.

But my older ones tend to be a little more independent as they're in junior high now or middle school, I guess you could call it, sixth and eighth grader.

The younger ones, some of the tasks, they can still do on their own.

And so, we have a set Excel grid of, we're doing these pages this day, provided through the programs that they're in.

So, it does make it manageable, and we have tried and adjusted over time.

And I'm sure, I was talking to a different family who is just jumping into home school, probably about a week ago, and they're like, oh yeah, we're just trying it out.

And I'm like, give yourself six to eight weeks.

You're going to have to figure out, what subject does your kid really struggle with, and they need you sitting next to them and helping with, and what can you just say?

Yeah, go sit outside in the grass and go read your book.

You're great at reading, but maybe math is something that you need more encouragement with.

So, I feel like, yeah, I could go a lot deeper into the nuts and bolts of that.

But it was interesting as we were praying about that switch, it was actually my husband who had it on his heart first.

He's like, you know what?

Like, why don't we try homeschooling?

And I'm like, really?

Like, those are the two things that are like, God, you'd never call us to that.

Like, you know, but, and as we prayed about it, we felt that calling.

So, we were honestly reassessing each year.

Everyone's like, what are you going to do next year?

What are you going to do for this?

I'm like, I don't know.

Like just lay there.

I think you and I sit in your office at the end of every semester and we're like, what are we doing for school next year?

We don't know.

And I think my husband and I schedule, like we both are working, but then we just figure out the rhythms where I can try to focus on my stuff and he can work on his or if we need to tap in a family member or a babysitter just so that we can all feel supported.

It's really a village.

I feel like you've modeled that so well, where you've taken on homeschooling, but you have a village who helps you, and it's not just you.

It's not just your husband.

It's like there's a community surrounding you.

And yeah, I love watching you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was going to say that too.

I was thinking about that with our last episode, but we didn't really talk about asking other people for help, but I feel like we all do that.

And I think all four of us would say, yes, there are things that we decide like, okay, this task is something that I'm going to put out for somebody else to help me with.

And I think, as moms, you just realize you don't have all the hours of the day to put towards every single thing.

So at some point, you're going to ask for help somewhere.

Maybe you have somebody help you clean your house, or maybe you have somebody help you watch your kids, or whatever it might be.

I think just thinking through, you know, what's the thing that you want help with.

And, you know, unfortunately, moms can be kind of quick to judge how other moms ask for help and say, well, you know, they shouldn't ask for help in that way.

But again, like, that's really the decision of you and your husband deciding what works best for your family.

And also just choosing wisely, like who you surround yourself with, too.

Like people who are going to support you in the craziness.

And like we said, it takes a village.

So just as you enter back into the school year with a new rhythm with your children and maybe with your work schedule, too.

If you're in education, I know that that kind of like cycles with, you know, the kids going back, too.

But yeah, just thinking that through.

And if you need to ask for help, then ask for help.

Like don't be ashamed that you have to do that, because nobody does it all alone.

And you really shouldn't feel like you have to do it all alone.

I love that.

I feel like, yes, it's so healthy to surround yourself with community that can jump in when you need it.

And as you were talking, I was also thinking of the other side of what that looks like with schedules, with work as working moms, and just really looking at like, really praying about what are you supposed to do at work?

And again, going against cultural norms.

And I think for a lot of us, it's been even saying no to good things, where it's like, oh, here's a promotion, but you say no, because you want that balance to be able to do homeschool or to drop your kids off or to spend more time with them.

And I just feel like that's so healthy, too.

Like, it's healthy to achieve and do great things, but it's healthy to say no in work sometimes, too, and to just have those boundaries so that you can be there for your family.

I had a moment last year where I had a conflict with a work meeting and something with one of my boys.

And it was like, at the end of the day, I was just processing it and I was thinking, no one's going to even know if I'm at this meeting.

Like, I'm not contributing that much to the conversation, but my son will know if I missed his concert.

Like, he would notice that forever.

And so it was just saying no to something that I was expected to be at because at the end of the day, my son is more important.

And so I feel like surround yourself with people, but also just set those boundaries with your work, home life, and just have that healthy balance and pray about it.

Again, I love, Kathleen, what you said about following peace.

I feel like that's what I always try to do is like, which path is going to bring peace?

Like, which path do I feel like this is where I'm supposed to go, as opposed to like fighting something or trying to make something work or trying to do all the things at once?

And it's like, no, where is there peace in the situation?

Even if it looks different from everybody else, like that's okay.

Yeah.

I love that.

Did anybody else have any other tips they wanted to share?

I think just like going back to some stuff that we've said in the previous trend, in the previous episodes, I'm just thinking of the episode that I highlighted with Grayson's transitions.

So getting in the groove of a school year, even if your kids have been at that school for five, 10 years, it's a new grade, it's a new teacher, it could be a new classroom environment.

Yeah, different friendships shift.

And so even though I like things that are predictable and planable, that I can count on.

And so we almost have to just plan for it there to be challenges and disruptions, and for us to have grace for ourselves and for our children as they're trying to get their feet under them and adjusted.

And I think part of that, kind of going back to what Danielle was saying, is creating that buffer.

So creating the no space where maybe that first two weeks of getting back in school, actual routines, not the pre-routines.

They're just exhausted and attitudes are challenging, simplifying dinner, right?

Or making sure there's more time for connection as a family.

You know your kids and personalities and what family needs to help ease in the transitions.

So I think just like praying and processing like, hey, what can I cut back on as we're all transitioning?

And which of my kids are going to maybe need a little more support who need a lot more grace in transition?

That transition is hard for them, and they could admit that change is hard for them.

Because it's one thing to say it for ourselves, but also making sure that we can have that buffer and space so that we can still model that patience to our children when it might not feel as easy as we're tired, and there's a lot of new going on.

I love that tip so much.

I think we shared some just really great stuff this evening.

And I just hope you're blessed, mamas, as you tuned into this.

And I'm really excited.

We're going to be sharing some like back to school nutrition tips coming up, kind of an area I'm passionate about.

And so I hope we can tune in again as we share some of that.

And yeah, we just bless you and taking those beauty of those steps of becoming better.

Bless you, mamas.

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